Within Fears Grasp
by ercarterfan
Summary: Continuation of Innocent.. Abby and Carter have to deal with the fall out from Paul's actions. Will they be able to cope with everything or will this destroy them both.
1. Chapter 1

Within Fears Grasp

_Sequel to Innocent Until Proven Guilty. Please Read and review and let me know what you think of the continuation of the story feedback is always appreciated!  
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Chapter 1:

Life was slowly starting to return to normal, if there was such a thing. Abby's injuries were healing and she was able to return to work, half shifts after a 3 weeks and Kerry said that she would slowly ease her back into the longer shifts as she recovered. Her wounds on the outside where getting better, it was the wounds that were on the inside that were not healing.

Carter wasn't doing much better with things either, he had been torn away from Abby at a time when she needed him the most and he was having a hard time getting past that. He was trying to get his life back together while he had been exonerated of the crime; there was still fall out from being arrested. People at work didn't look at him the same way and the press was just now leaving him alone.

Then they both had to deal with the fact that Paul Sobriki had managed to once again cause havoc in their lives. While Carter had dealt with this when he and Lucy were attacked by Paul, he had once again gone after something that Carter held dear to him. He had gone after Abby in an attempt to get even with Carter, for what he perceived that Carter had taken away from him.

Carter this time however didn't take any reassurance in the fact that Paul was locked up once more, the man had somehow managed to walk away from a mental institute without a soul noticing that he had done it and attacked again. Paul might have been mentally unstable and insane but that act was done with malice and purpose. This time Paul knew what he was doing when he did it. Having him being locked up in a jail cell was a little more reassuring but they knew too that he was planning on using the insanity defense yet a second time.

He couldn't help but worry about what effects, lasting effects this was going to have on Abby. She had bore the brunt of all this. Paul had not only gotten her on the platform on her way home but he had tried to get her inside the very walls where she worked, the one place where she should feel safe.

As he worked he found that his thoughts were floating back to her, worried about her, she was at home alone right now, he was working the night shift tonight and she would be on at 7 am about the time that he was getting off. Her first day back was going to be hard and he wasn't going to be there to make the transition any easier. He knew that he needed to do something but didn't know how to help.

Abby's alarm clock pulled her from her sleep that morning. She had been almost dreading this day. She got up, showered and dressed for work sitting at the table having that one last cup of coffee before heading out where she would have another 12 or so during her shift. She sat there, not turning on the news, not wanting to hear anything more about what all of Chicago was talking about right now. She wished that she could avoid it curl up under a rock and pretend that it hadn't happened to her or that it had happened to someone else. There where times when she could focus on other things and then there were times like this where that was all she could focus on.

The intense pain, it would just randomly shoot up her back as if he was right there standing behind her stabbing her all over again. The fear taking a hold of her body not allowing her to move, that was keeping her from screaming, it felt so real, but yet it was nothing more than a flashback, or yet worse a panic attack. She was sitting at her table, within the safety of her apartment but yet she felt cold, she could feel wind blowing eerily over her skin, and then there it was again that hot searing pain, then the breath on her neck, the voice talking to her. She didn't like the feeling of helplessness that came with her attack, the feeling that she couldn't control what was happening to her. The world that she had built up all of her securities in had been shattered as if it was nothing more than a piece of glass and Paul had been a rock thrown into it, sending shards everywhere.

Within a matter of minutes she was back in her familiar surrounds that horrible vision pushed out of her mind once more nothing was ever what it seemed and to her that was unnerving and she couldn't trust her own mind, her own sight for she never knew when or where this was going to hit her.

"Pull it back together Lockhart." She said to herself pushing her hair back as she moved from the kitchen table to grab her coat and keys to make her way into County. She made it down the stairs from her apartment to the front door. Her hands were now shaking completely out of control and she was breathing faster than she had been when she started out. Surely walking down a flight of stairs wouldn't leave her that out of breath.

She reached for the door now to make her way outside and found that her feet wouldn't move, it was as if she was standing in cement that had suddenly hardened. Abby was losing her grip on reality and slipping into the realm of fear.

"You're just going to work," she said to herself again taking in what she hoped would be a calming breath; "no one is going to hurt you."

She stood there still unable to will herself to move, to take that first step forward into the outside world alone. "Come on Abby." Her voice was now nothing more than a whisper nothing behind it, she didn't believe that no one was going to hurt her, she didn't trust anyone to protect her to keep her safe, most of all she was afraid that he would do it again. The only place that Abby felt safe was locked inside her own little world, a world where no one could get to her, problem with that was it was what was keeping her from being able to walk out that front door.

There was that voice again. Haunting her to the very depths of her soul, the one voice that she would never be able to forget no matter how hard she tried.

_Abby guess I didn't finish this the first time and I will have to do it again…_

_To make him suffer… you dying will seal his fate… No you see Abby darling I can't stop, it wouldn't be right to stop._

He wasn't going to stop either. Her eyes darted around where she was standing now, she was no longer safe, and she wasn't safe outside her locked door. If she wasn't inside the confines of her apartment behind a door that she knew was locked then he could get her and she feared that he would get her no matter how hard she tried to be in places where he couldn't get her.

She turned and bolted back up the stairs running now for her apartment and she didn't stop until she got there and locked the door up tightly behind her. She wasn't going out there; no one could make her leave now that she was here. This is where she was going to stay for as long as she needed to.


	2. Hiding From It

_A/N: Please read and review so that I know if this one is liked or hated. I hate working on stories if I don't know that people like them or hate them or if anyone is even reading it. Feedback is greatly appreciated!_**  
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**Chapter 2: Hiding from it.**

"Carter!"

"Huh," he answered sleepily. He had gone to lay down around 4:30 when the ER had finally slowed down.

"You wanted woke up at 7," the voice called again; "well it's seven!"

"I'm up." He said waiting for the door to go closed before flopping back down on the gurney, god he was tired and just flat out didn't want to move.

"CARTER!"

"What, what!" He said this time jumping off the gurney, "really I'm up, I'm up."

"Get a move on it." The voice said, "Weaver is bitching about rounds, you need to hand off patients not that you have all but 2 but she's still bitching."

Carter let out a grown as he climbed off the gurney and threw on his lab coat and headed out of the exam room where he had been enjoying a nap.

"Slacking off Dr. Carter."

Oh Weaver's voice this morning was enough to grate on anyone's nerves, especially his. "Yeah I am." He replied back with more sarcasm than he meant to. He picked up the two charts that he had, had from the night, "Drunk in four sleeping it off." He started to give her the run down on what he had, "and there's MI in curtain 3, waiting on enzymes and cardiology to come down. That's it, all she wrote."

"Thank you Doctor."

"You're welcome." He said his tone not changing much. He glance up at the clock, it was quarter past, Abby should have been around there somewhere and he wanted to see her before he took off. "Hey Haleh have you seen Abby this morning?"

"Not yet." She said, "but I just got on a few minutes ago, she might be in the lounge."

"Thanks," Carter replied back as he headed that direction himself. He walked in, there was no Abby. Not even a sign that she had come in that morning. Maybe she had just missed her train or overslept. He might have had the time that she was due in wrong too. But he could have sworn that she said seven. But that did sound a lot like eleven. He headed back out to the admit desk.

"Hey Frank what time is Abby on today?" He asked

"What am I now nurse monitor. Check the schedule." Frank said back to Carter.

"Yeah why did I just think of that instead of asking you to begin with?" He said rhetorically. He managed to find the nurse schedule and it said that she was working seven to two today. She might have just missed her train. He'd give her another fifteen minutes and then call to make sure that she was okay. He didn't want to see as if he was being overprotective or overbearing right now, but he was worried about her, the last time he had a bad feeling and didn't check sooner something horrible had happened. But what were the odds that it would happen again so soon. He didn't want to even think about that right now.

"Okay I know this isn't in your job description but do you think that if Abby comes in you could tell her that I am looking for her." Carter said, "I'm going to get a cup of coffee in the lounge."

"Yeah I'll tell her but you know that's the first place she usually goes when she comes in." He said, "no wonders the docs are always complaining there's no coffee the nurses raid it all."

Carter just shook his head as he walked away. He didn't have any horrible feeling this morning so it was more likely than not that she just missed her train. He walked into the lounge filling up his coffee cup and watching the clock not that it made it go any faster, but it was something to do.

Abby had checked the locks on the doors twice and then the windows. There was no one in the apartment but her right now and she wanted to keep it that way. Her hands were still shaking uncontrollably right now as she headed further into the apartment back towards her bedroom. She jumped through the roof when she heard sirens outside. It took her mind a minute to register that the sound was not near her but coming from outside the window.

A wave of nausea started to creep over her as she darted for the bathroom getting there just in time as she started to vomit. This was not a good morning, not how she intended it to go. She moved towards the bed now that her stomach was empty; her head felt like it was spinning as she reached for the bed. But the bed wasn't there; she wasn't in her apartment anymore. It was cold and dark again. That was the sound of the train coming the one that would take her home. But she had already gone home, hadn't she something wasn't right, something didn't feel right, she was having a hard time keeping her breathing under control.

Abby spun around trying to get her bearings to figure out where she was, what was going on, this wasn't right that much she knew. She closed her eyes and opened them again, the images that were before her eyes were still the same, and she wrapped her arms around her to try to fight off the chill.

She'd have to wait for the next train, she looked down at her wrist to check the time, no it should be here in a couple of minutes she hadn't missed it. She just wanted to get home. Pain followed by the feeling of something cool trickling down her back. She couldn't reach around to feel it though; there was a hand on her back pulling her to sit down. She couldn't move right now, fear, was that what she was feeling, no it was the life slipping out of her body that she was feeling. She could feel the back of her shirt completely drenched by the wet stickiness that was pooling on her shirt under her coat.

Time seemed to be standing still, people, she could hear people moving about but she couldn't make a sound, there was nothing that would come from inside her body no matter how hard she tried. She started to cry, she could feel the wetness of tears on her cheeks right now, and she had never felt so helpless and lost as she did right at that moment in time. Terrified and alone.

The tears turned into sobs. She couldn't stop crying as her bedroom slowly came back into focus. Her body was racked by them now and she couldn't get it under control. She had been alone then and she was alone now. She was never leaving here; she couldn't ever go up onto that EL platform again. She didn't want to put herself back into that place ever again even just thinking about it was enough to make her stomach turn.

A good fifteen minutes later, the shrill sound of the phone ring gave her another heart attack as with a pounding heart and rapid breathing, stuffed up nose from crying so hard so picked it up. "H…h… hello."

"Abby," Carter was relieved to hear her voice.

"Y… y…yeah." She stammered out, it was only Carter.

"Everything okay?" He asked her.

She needed to pull it together right now the last thing that she needed was for Carter to think that she was going nuts. "Yeah." She said sucking it up, "I think I caught a cold or the flu last night. I'm just feeling really bad… I just woke up."

"Okay, hey I'll be home in about 20 minutes or so, do you want me to bring you anything?"

"Uh no, no thanks." She said, "I'm just going to go back to bed."

"Okay honey, I'll see you shortly." Carter was relieved that nothing had happened to her, she didn't sound all that great but then she might have really been ill. He'd take a look at her when he got home.

"Yeah see you shortly." Abby hung up the phone and crawled back onto the bed for a minute before walking into the bathroom and turning the shower on. She needed to try and get the redness out of her eyes before Carter got home.


	3. What doesn't break us

**Chapter 3: What doesn't break us?**

The sight of the apartment when Carter got home wasn't what he was expecting. Everything was where it should have been, except for Abby. She wasn't in the living room so he headed back for the bedroom. What he saw shocked him to say the least for that wasn't the Abby that he had been with the day before. There she was curled up in a small ball and the color had been drained from her face. She in all honestly looked ill, very ill.

"Abby?" He called out softly to her at first, not wanting to startle or scare her.

There was no response from her, but she might have been sleeping. He took a few more steps closer towards her. Afraid that he would frighten her if she didn't know that he was there. She was curled up tightly holding onto her stomach.

"Abby." He said again this time as he put a hand to her forehead, she felt a little warm to him but nothing frightening.

Her eyes fluttered a little bit and opened a crack enough so that she could see that it was Carter who was talking to her. She just didn't want to open them up all the way. She was tired and her stomach was in knots, what she had managed to eat had long been returned from her stomach in violent protests.

"You feeling okay?" He asked.

She muttered something that wasn't coherent to anyone; she wasn't even sure what she had said to him.

"How long have you been feeling like this?"

"Go away." She finally managed to say after a few minutes of laying there in complete silence. Maybe he would just go away if she closed her eyes.

"Baby you don't look good." He said again as he sat down on the edge of the bed not wanting to leave her alone, from the way that she looked being left alone was the last thing that he should be doing.

"Carter, I told you go away." Her voice much harsher with him now, all Abby wanted was to be left alone.

"I can't."

"Go away." She said again this time opening her eyes to look at him. "Just go the hell away."

That wasn't like her, to suddenly have an outburst of any kind. As far as he knew there was no hostility between the two of them, things had been okay when he had left for work.

"Abby what's wrong?" Dumb question but one that needed to be asked.

"Either you go away or I will." She said getting upset with him. "I want to be left alone." Part of that was her not feeling well, being tired and scared was emotionally draining and to have him sitting there asking her a million questions just well, it wasn't what she wanted.

"What happened while I was gone?"

"Ah," she let out in a frustrated moan, it hurt to move but it hurt more to sit there and be forced to listen to him, granted she wasn't going to leave the confines of her apartment. This was her place and he could take himself elsewhere. She got up off the bed and headed into the bathroom securely locking the door behind her.

Carter didn't know what to make of this. The way that was up now a mystery to him and he didn't know just what to do to help her, if there was anything that could be done to help her.

"Abby come on out."

"Go away!"

He could hear her but he still didn't think that fulfilling that wish was something that he should be doing right now. "Come on out Abby I am not leaving until you come out of there and I know that you are okay."

"You can stand there until hell freezes over but I am not coming out."

He remained firm standing his ground outside the door, something just wasn't right with her, yet it wasn't something that was jumping right out at him.

Abby had retreated into the bathroom finding a spot on the cool tile floor to return to her curled up position where she could block away the voices, the ones coming from outside the door and the ones that were in her head.

"Abby I'm worried that's all." There was no answer from her when he said that. Silence filling the apartment now as he wondered what to do next. He could sit out there and wait for her to come out; he could try and go in after her. Something needed to be done, especially with the way that she had looked when she had gone in there. "Abby either you come out or I am coming in there."

Still no response, Abby had once again lost track of time and place, she wasn't where she had thought she was, the feelings of fear slowly taking over her body again. This wasn't how she wanted to live, she didn't want to be a prisoner inside her own home, let alone inside her own head.

She had convinced herself that indeed there was nothing wrong with her, that everyone felt the way that she felt right now, she was just overreacting to what had been a very traumatic incident and that in time these feelings would go away on there own she just needed time to deal with all of it, and that included time away from Carter. This was his entire fault. Carter was the reason she had been stabbed on the platform, he was the reason that Paul had come after her that day. She was pissed at him for dragging her into this.

"Go away Carter," Abby called out now that she was thoroughly perturbed by him. Her anger right now towards him was an anger that she had not ever felt and the sudden swing in emotion caught her off guard.

"Abby please."

"No listen to me." She said throwing the bathroom door open, she felt green around the edges but was angry enough that it didn't slow her down at all. "I told you to go away, what part of that don't you understand. Look I just don't feel well right now and I want you to leave me alone get out of my apartment and don't come back until I say it's okay."

Carter took a few steps back. He had never seen her so upset and it was a shocker for him. He didn't know what to say. "Are you…"

Abby didn't let him finish that sentence as she physically started to push him towards the door, "yes I am freaking sure Carter, get the hell out of here right now before… before…" she didn't know how to end that one.

"Okay, okay" He said with a very little Abby pushing on him, not that she could move him much but she sure was giving it one hell of an effort, "I'm going just call me later okay so that I know you are okay."

Yeah right like she was going to do that right now. "Right." She pushed again, "now just go."

Carter didn't have much of a choice right now, he would let her get this out of her system and she would probably call him in a little while tired of being left alone in the apartment. Either that or there would be something that she would need. He knew that she wasn't big on going out right now, in fact she hadn't gone out without him or Susan with her and then those trips were short.

He heard the door slam shut behind him now, he stood there for a minute before heading down the stairs, maybe she just needed a little more down time, let her sleep some of it off and he was fairly certain that Abby would be her own self, either that or something that resembled herself. If he didn't hear from her by tomorrow he'd definitely send Susan over to see if she could get to the bottom of what was going on with Abby.


	4. Breakdown Unseen

**Chapter 4: Breakdown unseen**

The door closed and there was silence now in the apartment. She went around double checking all the locks making sure that each window was shut and that there was no one in the apartment with her.

Time, she told herself, time was what she needed and then everything would be okay. She just wanted to be alone or so that is what she thought. She walked back to the bedroom and curled up on the bed once more. She was physically and emotionally tired and was finding it hard to keep her eyes open as they kept wanting to drift shut, but when they did the images that were before her eyes haunted her something horrible. She couldn't get rid of him, his voice, the fear, it had her within it's grasp and it was not letting her go.

She moved from the bedroom to the couch and back to the bedroom, time passing slowly as she drifted in and out of her restless sleep. Nowhere did she feel completely safe and it was almost as if she was waiting for him to come and get her but yet all during that day he never once appeared except in her dreams.

An hour on the couch, then an hour in bed that was how the day passed for her. She could feel that she needed to sleep, knew that she needed to sleep yet when she closed her eyes to get that precious sleep, she was immediately woken up. Her dreams had never been so vivid and so realistic as they were now.

She rolled over now the numbers on the clock blaring 12 am into her tired eyes. She pulled the blankets back up over her head and tossed and turned trying once more to get comfortable. No position seemed to help her to get back to sleep. She got up from the bed and padded quietly into the kitchen where she made herself a cup of hot tea in hopes that that would settle her back to sleep.

2 am came and went and still no going back to sleep, she flipped aimlessly through channels infomercials were about all that was on at this time of the morning. She walked over and curled up in a chair with a book, thinking that maybe she could read herself to sleep. At 6 am with the sound of the alarm clock in her bedroom going off she closed the 200 page book with only 50 more pages to go.

She uncurled her legs from underneath her and headed now into the bathroom turning on the shower and letting the steam fill the room. Glancing in the mirror she saw the bags that were starting to form under her eyes with the dark black circles that were the tell tale sign of little or no sleep.

She undressed and climbed in letting the water cascade down over her body. Trying desperately, almost too desperately to relax and remove those thoughts from her mind. She needed to get back to work, or so she thought, but yet that thought scared her almost as much as the images had. Her temper was short and her mood awful, she hoped that she didn't take her frustrations out on some unsuspecting patient, hazards of the ER.

She climbed out of the shower now, still wound tighter than a drum, and feeling like she was about to explode. There was anger in her that hadn't been there before she climbed into the shower and she wasn't sure where it was coming from. She dried off and went to find her clothes so that she could get on her way. She thought that she was probably just upset with herself for the way that she had snapped at Carter yesterday, he really hadn't done anything to upset her that she could put her finger on. He just happened to be the one that was in the line of fire when she burst.

She got dressed and headed now for the door, it was almost seven and she was going to be a little late if she didn't get a move on it. When her hand hit the door a wave of nausea swept over her and she had to run back towards the bathroom for fear of throwing up on her living room floor.

After 10 minutes in the bathroom, nothing coming up but air as she gagged and coughed Abby somehow managed to recompose herself enough to find the strength to try it again. This time when her hand touched the door she didn't have the urge to throw up. She locked the door behind her and headed for the stairs. She got as far as the top of them when her knees started to shake and her hands began to tremble. Slowly each step a little heavier than the one before she managed to get down the two flights of stairs so that she could see the front door of the building.

She took a deep breath letting it slowly out as she walked towards it. "It's just the front door Abby it's not going to bite you." She said out loud to herself and she kept willing herself to move forward rather than to bolt right back up those stairs.

She was sweating bullets right now as she approached the door, she could feel the walls of the building starting to slowly close in on her as she continued. A trip that normally would have taken her maybe two minutes now taking closer to ten. "Almost there." She said, "just a few more steps and you've got it."

The door came open and Abby about died right there and then. She felt her heart jump up into her throat and she struggled to breath now. She couldn't move, there was no running backwards up the stairs and she couldn't bolt out the door.

"Good Morning Abby." It was Miss Anderson from upstairs that was coming back home from running to the market.

"G… g… good morning." Abby managed to stutter out still shocked.

"Off to work," Miss Anderson asked as the frail older woman headed up the stairs now towards her own apartment, "you have a good day."

Abby just stood there. Her feet where rooted in the spot where she had been standing and she was willing her heart to stop pounding in her head. She closed her eyes leaning against the wall now. After a few minutes of standing there she attempted to move towards the door again to go outside.

The closer she got to the door the louder the voices in her head got. His voice was the one she was hearing the loudest. She brought her hands up over her ears in an attempt to block them out but even that didn't seem to silence them. Her stomach was turning in knots, her hands still shaking as they covered her ears, her muscles hurt, and she had sweat running down her forehead now, why couldn't she go out that door?

She turned and headed back up the stairs and inside her apartment as the tears started to fall. She couldn't stop them; she tried but yet the just kept coming one giant stream that was never-ending. She closed her apartment door behind her locking it before leaning against it as she fought not to slide down onto the floor. What was happening to her? Abby had never been afraid to walk out her own front door like this before and having all of these reactions to something as simple and necessary as that was, hurt. Not only did it hurt but it scared her too. She couldn't live like this, there was the world outside that she needed to be able to go out into and she freaking couldn't even go outside her own door.

She pulled the phone off the hook and dead bolted the door, she didn't want to talk to anyone right now and she didn't want anyone to see her like this. This was not who she was, not even close. But yet she was beginning to think that she was going to have to give in to the fact that this had happened and now this is who she had become.


	5. Resignation

_A/N: Thanks for all the review keep them coming I love knowing what you think of the story, sorry that the updates are so slow coming but yikes what can I say this one is one of the harder stories that I have written in a long time. Please if you like what you read take a second to review, if you don't like it hey tell me that too._

**Chapter 5: Resignation**

When Abby hadn't shown up for work the next morning, Carter had this sinking feeling that something just wasn't right and he knew that after his shift he should probably go over there and at least try and talk to her. Well he hoped that she would talk to him, after he last little outburst he wasn't sure if she would even be willing to talk to him.

He tried calling her apartment several time during the day as he worked but all he got was a busy signal, maybe she was talking to Maggie or to Susan or to anyone right now. He tried his hardest not to worry about her but as the day went on the more worried he became. His shift ended and he signed all of his patients out practically bolting from the ER and catching the first train that would take him over to her apartment. On the way over he called again three times all with the same result a busy signal.

He used his key to let himself into the building and then when he got up to her apartment door stood there debating on whether he should knock of if he should just go right in. After all he had keys, she knew he had keys; he had practically been living there for most of the time, very seldom ever seeing the inside of his own apartment.

He brought his hand up and knocked on the door, "Abby!"

There was no response from the inside, he didn't hear her moving to get to the door and he didn't hear her call out acknowledging that he was even there. He unlocked the door, or rather thought that he had, it took him a second to realize that she had done the deadbolt as well, the clear sign was when he went to push the door didn't move and he banged into it.

"Abby where are you baby?" He called out as he moved inside closing the door behind him now as he moved a little more into the apartment. There was no answer and that just made him worry all the more. As he walked he noticed that she had the phone off the hook and that wasn't something that he was expecting. "Abby, honey where are you?" He called again as he headed back for the bedroom.

That's where he found her. She was curled up on the bed and seemed to him to be in the midst of a nightmare. Carter could see that she was shaking, her hands trembling and she was as white as a ghost anything resembling color had long left her once rosy cheeks. Her forehead was covered with tiny beads of sweat that were collecting on her pillow making it damp.

Carter cautiously crossed the room, not wanting to frighten her if he woke her up which he knew that he needed to do, you could tell by the lines on her face that she was clearly stressed and that the dream was not one that was good for her health. He sat down on the edge of the bed and gently shook her to attempt to wake her from her tormented sleep. "Abby, Abby honey wake up."

Her eyes flew open, expecting to be alone the voice and the touch scared her. She pulled away frantically now, unsure of time or place. Her surrounds not familiar to her not fully awake body, her mind four steps behind her eyes and actions.

"Abby honey, you were having a nightmare." Carter said the tone of his voice was soft and even as he spoke.

She shook her head, as she tried desperately to get her brain to catch up with what was really going on. She blinked several times as things slowly began to come back into focus. She realized who was in the room with her and why he was probably there. She slowly crawled back towards him.

When she returned to him Carter held out his arms and slowly and gently pulled her in close in an attempt to comfort her to let her know that it was alright that she was okay and it was nothing more than her mind playing tricks on her. She was shaking still as he held onto her, whatever that dream had been about had scared her to the core. He softly kissed the top of her head keeping all of his actions small and tender.

"You're here." Abby finally managed to whisper out.

"Yeah I'm here." He replied back to her not letting his embrace change, holding onto her was as comforting to him as it was to her. "I'm here."

She leaned into him more now as she let him try and calm her mind, still tortured by the visions of the dreams, the intrusive thoughts and vivid images that plagued her from the attack. She was glad that she had remembered what had happened so that she could free him of his imprisonment but hated that those memories that had left her for what seemed so long had returned with a force that needed to be reckoned with.

When she didn't say anything he finally spoke, "are you okay?" He asked, "I was worried about you when you didn't come to work."

"I'm fine," she lied, "I just wasn't feeling good this morning again."

"What's wrong?"

Somehow Abby knew that he was going to ask her that question and before he had her mind had thrown together on it's own a story to keep him from finding out what was really going on with her. The last thing she wanted anyone to know was that she was slowly going crazy.

"I just have a touch of the flu, I'm pretty sure that's all it is." She said rather confidently so that he would have no reason to doubt what she was saying.

"Are you keeping anything down?"

"I've been able to keep water and tea down." She said, "I'm sure it will pass in a day or two."

Carter's hand went to her forehead, still damp from the sweat formed during her sleep, "you don't feel warm I don't think you have a fever." He said before hugging onto her again.

"I'll be fine." She said again in response to him.

"I'm sure you will be too." He said, "how about I go and make you some tea, maybe some toast."

"Yeah some tea would be nice, no toast." Her appetite long gone again. "Could you get me another blanket I'm cold." There were small goose bumps forming on her arms as she spoke.

"Yeah I can." Carter said now standing up from his spot where he had been holding onto her. He walked to the closet and pulled out another blanket for her before heading back to the bed. He pulled the covers back so that she could slide under them as he wrapped the extra blanket around her so that she would be warm.

Abby watched as he disappeared into the kitchen, he was fretting over her as if she was a small child and she was having to work overtime to keep from having any kind of emotional outburst right now. Between the crying, yelling and feeling overwhelmed with all of it she had been on an emotional rollercoaster, uncertain of which way her emotions would fly next.

Abby knew inside that it wasn't fair to take all of it out on John, for he was just as much a victim of Sobriki's as she was. But yet he was the only one around and made such an easy target for her to lash out at. She really didn't want to be around anyone while she was going up and down with her emotions afraid of what she might say or what she might do next. It was those periods of uncertainty that she was beginning to dread.

"Here you go." He said returning several minutes later with a cup of tea for her, "but I wish you would try and eat something."

"I'm not a child John; if I don't want to eat then I'm not going to." She snapped and then realized what she had done. She fought the urge to hand her head, "no really I'm sorry I'm just tired and not feeling well. I just think I should wait a little longer before trying again."

Carter just looked at her for a moment and you could tell that Abby was completely exhausted, the black circles under her eyes gave it away. That and she just had that look to her that she got when she didn't get enough sleep, it could very well be the reason that she was so snappy with him. "Are you sleeping okay?" He knew that he was asking her a lot of questions but understandably he was worried about her.

"Yeah when I can." She said, "I think it's just from being sick, I sleep in spurts, but really please try not to worry about me, I'm going to be okay. I just need to ride this bug out."

He nodded, "okay." He made sure that she was warm enough before moving. "I'll let you get some more rest." He kissed her forehead again. "I'll just be in the other room if you need anything."

"You don't have to stay." She protested a little now.

"I know but I want to." He said.

She resigned right now to letting him stay it would only raise more questions if she threw another fit and kicked him out again. She hoped that having him there might put some of these fears to rest and let her get some much needed sleep.

Carter left the room, turning the lights off and making sure that the door was left open a crack so that he could hear her if she needed him. Something wasn't right with her and he was going to get to the bottom of what it was. If she wasn't feeling better soon and eating then he was going to drag her back to the ER kicking and screaming if he had to, he would rather have Abby hate him for the rest of his life than have something be wrong with her.


	6. The Missing Piece

**Chapter 6: The Missing Piece**

Carter sat in the living room on her couch with a bottle of water in his hand. From where he was sitting he could hear her once again restless sleep and his mind shifted from worry to that of what might be wrong with her.

Slowing his mind started to put pieces together. Taking in what he knew and trying to figure out by just what little he knew. She was missing work saying that she wasn't feeling well, that her stomach hurt, she was vomiting, nauseated, suffering from the chills, not sleeping, obviously plagued by nightmares, she was tired and irritable, had emotional outbursts that just came out of the blue. Sounded like PMS or the flu really when you looked at it from the outside.

He listened to her and he watched the minutes on the clock tick by, the flashing numbers of the digital display ever so slowly changing. The sky darkened and soon the room was filled with just the light from the outside street lamps. Carter could tell that Abby was awake again that she wasn't sleeping anymore. He watched her creeping from the bedroom into the kitchen, there was a caution to her step as if something or someone was going to get her. He kept his eyes focused on her, watching her movements; she went to the cupboard and got down a glass filling it with water, looking out the window as she drank slowly. She then leaned forward to check to make sure the window was closed and locked tightly shut.

Carter didn't know if she was even aware that he was there anymore, for when she turned around he could see her eyes and it was almost as if she was looking right through him. That he might have been in that room, but not in her mind. She returned to the bedroom from which she had emerged, not a word spoken between the two of them and Carter left with an eerie feeling that something was horribly wrong with Abby.

He put his head into his hands now as he thought of everything and anything that it might have been that had been troubling her, was it the flu, was she getting sick from something else, perhaps she had been pushing herself to hard after everything that she had been going through. Had he pushed her to hard and should he have given her some more space when she had first gotten out of the hospital or had he not been there enough for her. He had more questions than answers at this point in time.

He got up and turned one of the lamps on next to Abby's bookcase and looked through her books, he would be there all night just to make sure that nothing else was going to happen to her, for his piece of mind rather than for hers. He picked up oddly enough for some reason, a book on psychiatry and diagnosing mental disorders. It was strange how that book had called to him as he sat down in the chair and started flipping through the book.

Abby had highlighted some things in there from the classes she had taken, very studious and it seemed that she caught the important things. But never had Carter ever doubted how smart she was, he knew under that tough exterior laid a very bright and talented woman who just needed the chance to really fly.

He just kept reading, it wouldn't hurt to brush up on what he knew anyway and it was passing the time. With each turn of the page more time ticked off the clock. He could still hear Abby in the bedroom tossing and turning every now and then he would hear her make a trip to the bathroom, the water run and then all would be quiet again.

Then it jumped out at him once particular chapter on stress related disorders. The more he read the more he wondered if this wasn't the cause of her ails, if it was at least there was something that they could do about it. He would be able to get her some help. She'd be able to in time sleep again not plagued by nightmares and perhaps eat something, stop all the symptoms that were plaguing her.

It wouldn't be easy that much he knew and he also knew that she would be reluctant to get help from anyone. You never wanted people to think that you were crazy and people tended to think that if they found out you were seeing a shrink and that was exactly what she was going to have to do.

He had walked in those same footsteps, suffered from the same thing that she was suffering from now. Granted he didn't realize what it was until it was too late and yet it was the same man causing it in her that had caused him to feel the same way. How could one man destroy or try to destroy two people like this. Carter knew what he needed to do and there was only one person who had the answers that he was searching for now. Paul held the key and Carter was going to take it away from him.

There had to be something that was motivating the psychopath to come up with the plan to stab Abby and even more so to return when she didn't die. There had to be a reason that Paul picked Abby out of all the people at County to attack, Carter was most certain that this wasn't just another random crime, that he hadn't just happened to walk out of the mental hospital and stab the first person he came into contact with. Abby wasn't even in the same room or had even treated him, she had no real connection with that fateful valentines day other than she worked there and she was his girlfriend now.

Carter knew that Abby could possibly recover from the PTSD that she had slipped into now, that was the cause, he was most fairly certain of her symptoms now. The pieces of the puzzle falling slowly into line with one missing. There was one piece of the entire thing that was missing and he needed to get to the bottom of it. What he was about to do might not have been right and it might not have been wrong, but in his mind Paul was no longer mentally out of it but seemed to be a man who might have strayed onto a path of revenge for something that he had perceived to have happened.

He would have to wait until morning and he would make sure that someone was staying with Abby while he went and did this. Being alone right now was not something that would be good for her, there were to many other directions that this could all go in. He was most afraid of after all this time having her inadvertently slip up and head down a long path that would leave her at the bottom of a very lonely bottle. He wouldn't and couldn't let that happen to her, she meant to much to him for him to lose her like that.

Carter walked over towards the phone knowing that it was late but needing to make a couple of phone calls. As best he could he explained the situation to Susan, who promised to be over first thing in the morning. Carter was vague as to what he needed to do but he promised Susan that it was something that was very important, and it was, this was something that was very important to him.


	7. It Haunts

_A/N: Thanks to those who have reviewed, I'm working on this one as much as I can, please please read and review and let me know what you think. It's hard to keep going with a story when your uncertain of how well it's liked. But here's another short chapter for tiding those avid readers over. Enjoy!_**  
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**Chapter 7: It haunts  
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Carter slept that night off and on, his mind busy with what lay before him in the morning hours. He wasn't sure if this was something that he really wanted to do. He hadn't technically seen Paul since the stabbing and to face the man who had done that to him after all this time was more than enough to send shivers up Carter's spine.

There were goose bumps on his arms and he knew that it wasn't from being cold it was from the thoughts that were running through his head. He had managed not to think about his own stabbing for so long, slowly pushing the bad memories to the back of his mind where he occasionally was reminded of everything that had happened. It wasn't that he had forgotten about what had been done, but that with a lot of hard work he had managed to get to a place where he could slowly begin to move on.

He was up before the sun and went into start a pot of coffee knowing that Susan would want some as well when she got there. She said she would be by at 8 that would give Carter plenty of time to get there for visiting hours.

A knock on the door pulled him from his thoughts as he glanced now at the clock. Time had managed to fly by increasingly fast. Bad thoughts and the thoughts of what he was about to do where right there in the front of his mind now. He was facing something that you wouldn't ever dream of facing, confronting their worst nightmare on his own turf. He walked over to the door and slowly opened it up coming face to face with Susan.

"Hey Carter." She said as she watched him move to let her in.

"Want some coffee?" He asked her closing the door as she crossed into the room.

"That'd be nice." Susan said as she started to take off her coat, "where's Abby?"

"She hasn't come out of the bedroom yet, I think she might have actually fallen into a real sleep." Carter replied as he headed into the kitchen getting Susan a cup of hot coffee which she happily took from him.

"She's not doing well is she?"

Carter shook his head no in response to her question as he sat back down at the table now, Susan sitting across from him.

"She's strong Carter," Susan said trying to reassure him right now, "this is something that she can and will overcome."

Carter wished right then and there that he had the faith that Susan had but there was this nagging in his gut that told him that they were in this for a very long ride now with what damaged had been done. It went deeper than just the surface now; it had cut them both deeply. And it would probably change the way that they would forever live their lives. "For her sake I hope that you are right."

"I know I am." Susan said as she reached across and patted his hand, "you'll see it's just going to take time and a whole lot of help from her friends, we will all help to make sure that she gets through this and able to live the way that she is supposed to. She's been through a lot but she has made it this far and I know that she can make it the rest of the way. You're here to help her and having you helps more than you may ever know."

Carter nodded again not saying anything. Susan noticed how her friend was silent this was just as hard on him as it was on everyone else. Even he didn't walk away unscathed from Paul's actions. Susan didn't know everything that had happened that fateful Valentine's Day but she knew enough to know that Paul had taken away a medical student that Carter was close to and now he had nearly taken his Abby.

"Where are you going Carter?" Susan asked.

"No where, I just have something that I need to do and I thought that Abby shouldn't be alone right now." He answered.

It was Susan's turn to nod. "Alright." She said, "I am more than happy to stay here with her Carter."

"I know you are." He got up from the table putting the coffee cup in the sink, "if she wakes up tell her that I will be back in a little while, that I love her."

That didn't sit well with Susan but she tried not to think about it, "I will Carter." She watched him; even he didn't look overly well right now.

Carter crossed the room and put on his coat and grabbed his keys. Knowing that Abby was with Susan made this a little easier but not much. He caught the EL and headed for the institution where Paul was being held right now.

As he rode the train the feelings inside him started to slowly eat away at him. By the time that he had arrived at his destination his face was white, his hands clammy and his stomach was turning inside out. He stopped to try to compose himself but composure was something that at the moment was more than fleeting.

He managed to get himself inside and as he waited to where he was supposed to be going after being heavily checked by the security people, he had to go into the men's restroom and throw up. Looking at himself in the mirror he saw what he expected to see, a man wore down more than the actually years he had lived, dark circles starting to form under his eyes from all the stress. It made sense that if he looked this horrible how Abby could look just as horrible if not worse.

He finally pulled it together enough to walk out; just what was he doing here? Did he think that Paul was actually going to give him the answers that he wanted so readily? Probably not and Carter was beginning to think that he had made a very bad decision in coming here but he needed to follow it through. This man was pretending to be insane and at one point in time had even convinced Carter that he was insane, but that wasn't the case anymore and Carter knew it. He wanted the answers to why, why this was happening and he wanted to make sure that Paul was never coming back to do this again. To him or to his Abby.


	8. The ties that bind break easily

**Chapter 8: The ties that bind break easily**

Carter walked down the cold long narrow hallways towards where he would confront this man who had become his nightmare. The thoughts that filled him were those of more outright anger than anything else. What gave one man the right to be so cruel to another, and have that other person be nothing more than a mere woman who was connected by nothing more than being associated with Carter? Going after him was one thing but going after Abby that was crossing over a thin unspoken line. You could go after him all you wanted but when you involved the people he loved and cared about you were no longer striking at him but at his very core.

He sat down on the hard metal chair now to wait once more, the waiting around here seemed to last an eternity and his palms sweated while his hands shook, not from fear but from pure anger. Carter had never hated a man as much as he hated Paul right now. He had never felt an emotion so pure and so raw as the one that was just now beginning to surface inside him.

He lifted up his head when he heard the sound of the door opening and it was in that moment in time that his eyes feel upon that man for the first time in years. His heart pounded in his chest and it took all that he had to restrain himself from turning into something that he didn't want to, something that would make him no better than that man and that was a line that even Carter wasn't willing to cross.

He watched as he was led over to the table and sat down across from him. There eyes locking in a very powerful and chilling gaze. Neither of them wanting to say anything to the other yet knowing that they needed to. It was a standoff in a way to see which one of them would hold out the longest before breaking away or initiating conversation.

"Why are you here?" Paul asked finally breaking the silence that was between them. There was ice in his voice, "I do not wish to see you."

"I'm not here for pleasantries." Carter said matching the coldness with his tone, letting what anger he felt seep into the voice that he used.

"You can turn around and leave the way that you came; you are wasting your time and mine." Paul said.

"Time is something that you have a lot of, cause I promise you that you are not leaving here anytime soon again." Carter said. He wanted to reach across the table and strangle the very smug man but restraint held out.

"Oh but do not be certain of that." Paul said, "they say that I am a very sick man and I tend to agree with them."

"You are no sicker than any other criminal out there." Carter hissed at him now, "and you belong locked in a jail ward not a mental institution. I'll see to that."

"You and what Army Dr. Carter." He said, "there is nothing that can stop me, not you or your precious tales of sanity."

"I'll get to the point." Carter said not wanting to be around this man any longer than he had to be. "What do you want from me?"

"From you, I want nothing from you." Paul said keeping that smug cold tone with him.

"You have to want something, you are too cold and calculating not to." Carter said, "so what is it that you think you are gaining by hurting innocent people."

"There is no such thing as innocent Dr. Carter." Paul said leaning back now crossing his arms over his chest. "I believe we are though here."

Carter leaned across the table pulling the man towards him, "we are no where near done. I want to know why you are hurting Abby."

"Now, now Dr. Carter." Paul said, "you will get no answers from me using violence." He said looking at Carter. "you may get no answers at all."

"Damn it." Carter snapped, "you leave her alone, what ever offense you think you have suffered that wasn't her doing and her life is not a toy for you to play with."

"Oh but I am not playing with her life, and if she dies it will be not by my hands." Paul answered, "you see I have done what needed to be done and the rest will be set into motion by fate."

"You lie." Carter said, "this is all your doing, you drove that knife into her back with out caring what happened to her, just like you killed Lucy and stabbed me."

"See that is what you perceived happened." Paul said trying not to sound sane or calculating but there was always a plan behind every action, "fate has her now, not you nor I but fate and it's fate that will do what it sees fit."

"Just stop with the fucked up ramblings." Carter said, "I'm warning you if anything happens to her I swear to god I will hold you responsible."

Paul leaned closer to Carter now, "no Dr. Carter, it's you who is responsible; it is her blood that is on your hands not mine. In the end her demise will be your doing, she will die because of you and all that you have done, not because of me, you will be the one to finally push her over the edge and when the angel falls it's a long way from heaven."

"Son of a bitch." Carter said trying not to lunge at him now, for Carter in all his reserves had never resorted to violence to solve anything but he wanted to honestly kill this man for everything that he had done, "she will not die, I won't let her."

"As I said before Dr. Carter that is up to fate. You cannot control fate anymore than anyone else, the thread of life is a thin strand that snaps at a moments notice, and hers has, I'm sorry to say unfortunately started to fray. Right now, she's probably at home locked inside her house afraid of those who might harm her, yet her mind cannot tell her those who are friends from those who are foes. She may perceive you as a foe, or her best friend as her worst enemy for the mind, yes dear doctor the mind plays tricks on even those who are sane."

"Go to hell." Carter said now standing up and taking a step back from the table his eyes throwing daggers at the man sitting there as calmly as when they first sat down.

"I have already been there Doctor." Paul said realizing that he had finally gotten to him, "you run home now to your precious Abby and you enjoy her for the time that she has left, which mind you isn't much. There will come a time when you too sit trapped with in the recesses of your mind and you cannot get away from them, a time when you too shall hear the voices telling you, haunting you that you have done great evil, that you have lost all that you hold dear to you. You shall never see your child's eyes, you will never hold the one you love in your arms again, your friends will be the cracks in the ceiling that you count when you are awake. There is something about insanity that is comforting but also most unwelcoming when you cannot escape the torment here anymore. Soon she will know what that feels like and I promise you this, you will know that feeling as well in time."

With that Carter turned his back to the man, "we shall see, for I will never be like you. That much even fate cannot control, I control my destiny no one else." Carter with his frustration and his anger, a deep boiling hatred that he needed to bury again for the sake of being able to continue on with his life, left the institution. Paul would get the justice that he deserved in the end. Carter had the answers that he needed for now. He needed to focus his attention on Abby and getting her through this with out having any of what Paul said come to light so that he could prove the nutcase wrong, for his own sanity.


	9. Threads

_A/N: Here's the next update hope that you all enjoy, please take a second to hit the review button and let me know what you think about the story good or bad I would love to know this one has really be a challenge to write._**  
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**Chapter 9: Threads**

Abby emerged from the bedroom later that morning about a half hour after Carter had left. She knew that someone else was there; she had heard Carter's voice in the kitchen earlier talking to someone. The voice was one that she knew and at the time hadn't startled her; in fact she had laid back down and gone back to her sleep. When she finally did emerge she slowly for her feet felt as if they were dunked in cement.

Her eyes were glazed over and her look was one that scared Susan half to death. There before her stood a woman who looked possessed by something, pale and shaking as if scared for her life, her eyes were empty as if the life had been sucked right out of her. That wasn't the Abby that Susan knew, that was not her Abby.

"Abby," Susan called out but there was no response from her. Abby turned towards her but looked right through Susan as if she wasn't there. As if someone had called her name but there was no one in the room with her.

"Abby honey." Susan said again, nothing but Abby's postured changed. Susan watched as she became more defensive with her stance as if there was someone standing behind Susan that was there to get her. "Abby honey it's Susan." She said again, but nothing with Abby changed, her eyes still had that empty look to them, her hand were still violently shaking now, and you could see the sweat running down Abby's pale face. Her cheeks were sunk in now and there were giant black circles under her eyes.

Abby looked now at the stranger standing in her apartment, "what do you want, why are you here." She said her voice was shaky filled with a fear that you could smell on the air. She took a step back away now retreating some unsure of why that person was in her apartment, of what they might want from her, she assumed that they were there to do her harm.

"Abby honey, it's Susan." She said looking at Abby, "I'm not here to do hurt you, I'm your friend remember." Susan didn't know what to make of Abby's now very odd behavior. "Carter went out to run some errands he asked me to stay with you, make sure that you're okay."

"You're lying to me." Abby said backing away even more. The hair on her arms stood up now as the fear she had been feeling for weeks completely had her in it's grasp and she could no longer break free from it. Abby's mind was no longer her own.

"No honey I'm not." Susan said trying to keep her tone soft and even with Abby as to not frighten the woman any more than she already was. "I'm the only one here and no one is going to hurt you I promise you that."

"Go, go away." Abby said backing into the table now as the lamp went crashing to the floor. The sound of it sent Abby skyrocketing in fear over sensitive to sounds and stimulation right now. She threw her hands up to cover her head in retaliation so that she wouldn't be hurt. "Don't, please dear god don't hurt me. I'll do whatever it is that you want just promise not to hurt me."

"I won't, I won't." Susan said as she took a step towards Abby, she needed to find a way to bring Abby back to the right reality. As Susan took that step forward Abby retreated from her even more.

Shards of glass from the broken lamp dug into her skin now as she tried desperately to get away from the person that was there with her. She didn't want to die and knew that this is what that person was intent on doing.

"Abby honey stop you're getting hurt." Susan said, with every step forward she took Abby took another one back and was in the middle of the broken lamp's mess. "Abby listen to me it's Susan. No one else is here you are safe and it's going to be okay."

There where tears streaming full force down her cheeks now and there was no getting away from this person; it wasn't Susan's voice that she was hearing now it was Paul's engrained in her memory the coldness that was spoken to her on the platform. The shards of broken lamp feeling like the knife digging into her back over and over again.

"Get away!" Abby cried out now as she reached for a larger piece of the broken lamp holding it between her and the advancing man that was there with her. "Get away, you are not going to hurt me." Her voice was loud thinking that someone on the platform would hear her and come and rescue her.

Susan took a step back now worried about what Abby might do with that glass if she didn't back off. She could tell that Abby no matter what she said or how she said it was not there with her, she had lost track of time, space and person. Susan wasn't trained to deal with someone having a psychotic episode and she was afraid that's what Abby was having now, a very serious emotional flashback, PTSD flashbacks weren't unheard of, this seemed a little more than that, but you never knew for sure. Everyone reacted differently to trauma.

There was no knock on the door to signal his arrival, and he had no idea what was going on behind that door when he finally got back, he could hear voices inside and thought for sure that it was just Abby and Susan talking. He thought that maybe Susan had finally got Abby to open up and talk a little. Carter had no idea that he was about to walk into the middle of a battlefield.

With the shard of glass firmly in her hand blood dripping from it where it had managed to slice her own skin open she heard the door open and then and there did she see the male figure standing there in the doorway, blocking her only route of escape. That man was the one that she had come to fear and he was now here to get her, there wasn't just one but there was two of him now in her mind and she needed to get out of there as fast as she could. She was not going to let him put her through that horrible pain a second time. She bolted as fast as she could and as she passed the man standing there, knowing who it was in her mind she shoved the glass as hard as she could, her only defensive weapon into his skin.

Abby looked down at her hand covered in bright red blood, she looked up now right into the eyes of Carter and she could see the color draining from his face. She had just stabbed him and he was dying right there in front of her. She watched as he slumped to the ground.

"No!" She screamed, "Oh god no someone help us please." She couldn't bare to have him die again on her, that first time in the trauma room was more than enough for her to bare. But yet here he was a second time dying and she couldn't stop it. The more she tried the more covered in blood she became. She started to cry, "I'm sorry Carter I'm sorry." She said over and over again knowing nothing was ever going to make it right. His eyes closed and she knew that everything she had tried had been futile.

"No," she screamed out now, she could feel her heart breaking into two on that very spot knowing that she had just done the worst act that she could have possibly done. She could feel the tears stinging her face as the started to fall and she covered her face just as quickly breaking into sobs, ones that racked her body, she was shaking from head to toe.

Carter and Susan just looked at each other unsure of what to make of her actions right now for neither of them had moved from where they stood, Carter in the doorway and Susan near the edge of the kitchen where she had stopped moving any closer to Abby. It took them both a few minutes and cautious glances between the two of them, she was falling apart at the seams and they both knew it. The only question that they didn't have an answer to right now was what mind frame she was in. Was she there with them or trapped in her visions. Hearing voices was one thing but Abby had lost touch with the reality that surrounded her. She was going to need intensive therapy the kind that Carter nor Susan would be able to give to her.


	10. When the Thread breaks

_A/N: Thanks for the reviews, keep them coming! Sorry this update is a little short but the last two chapters have give me nightsmares, so I have to be doing something right. Hope you all continue to enjoy the story._**  
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**Chapter 10: When the thread breaks**

Carter and Susan stood there looking at Abby, right now both wishing that they had some Haldol or another sedative on hand. Their glances went from each other back to Abby. Waiting to see what she was going to do next, neither one of them wanting to get to close to her. She was scaring them both, neither of them trained to handle a break like this, while they might have been doctors they dealt with emergency medicine and left the psychiatric problems up to psyche to handle.

Abby was nothing more than a crying ball on the floor, her hands and legs bleeding from the tangle with the broken lamp. Her hair was plastered down against her face, drenched from the sweat that had started to poor off her body during her ordeal. It took everything emotionally and physically that she had and left her drained and emptied. All she wanted to do was cry unable to escape the torment that her mind was putting her body through. All of this was leaving her nothing more than a broken woman, an empty shell that did not contain the life that it once had. She was starting to gain awareness once again of where she was and that what she had seen wasn't really what she had done for she could see Carter standing in the kitchen now next to Susan.

She lifted her head up now and looked at Carter blinking her eyes as she adjusted them to the light in the room. Carter caught her glancing at him wondering now if it was safe to go over to her. She was a mess bleeding from the cuts that she had gotten from the lamp and you could see the blood stains where she had touched her head and her clothes with her hands.

Abby looked at the both now, more in control again of where she was almost unaware that she had been moving while in the dream like trance. "I hurt my hands." She said as her eyes feel upon them now. The pain that was there almost seemed surreal to her, she remembered in her dream holding the glass but that was just a dream wasn't it? Surely she knew what was real and what was in her mind. Abby didn't want to admit that she was slowly losing grip on the reality that surrounded her that her mind was taking on a life of it's own and there was nothing that she could do to stop what she was feeling, to get the nightmares under control to keep her fears under wraps and tightly controlled.

Carter cautiously approached her and took the glass from her hands so that he could get a better look at them. "Yeah you did baby." He said keeping his voice soft, as he looked over her injuries. She had sliced her hands up pretty badly with the glass, but it didn't look like any of them were deep enough that they would need stitches she just needed to have them cleaned up and bandaged, "it's okay I'll clean them up," he kissed her forehead softly before taking her hands into his and helping her up off the floor.

He led her over into the kitchen ever so slowly was each move; deliberate in attempts not to trigger another flashback for her. The last thing he wanted was for her to snap while he was this close to her. He just kept talking to her in a soft soothing voice telling her that everything was going to be okay that he was there and he would take care of her just like he knew he was supposed to. While Carter had been getting Abby out of the glass and away from the broken pieces, Susan had gone to the bathroom and raided Abby's first aid supplies keeping a careful watch over Abby now as Carter helped to clean up her cuts.

Susan was worried about her now, clearly Abby was not handling the stress of everything as well as they had all thought and she was suffering from PTSD in combination with something else right now. Her friend had been stabbed in the back and then that same man had come creeping back into the place where she worked, a place where you should be able to feel safe and tried to kill her a second time. No one should have to live through that and all of that was wearing her down. Susan knew that she needed to get Carter to get Abby to get some help, she was hanging on by a mere thread that seemed to have stretched to the point of snapping if that wasn't what had just happened in that apartment.

Once he was finished, Abby looked exhausted. He picked her up carefully so that she would know that it was him that had her and no one else and took her back to the bedroom. He laid her gently on the bed covering her up and making sure that she had something familiar there with her. A stuffed bear sitting on the nightstand which he wrapped in one of his shirts and tucked in firmly beside her. He stood there watching as she closed her eyes and drifted back into a sleeping state. He took a few steps back away from the bed and looked down at his hands.

Part of Paul's words echoed now in his head, that it would be her blood on his hands. And there it was part of what he was saying had come true, Carter had her blood on his hands. He didn't want to believe that this was all a part of Paul's plan that this man had somehow set out knowing that he wouldn't be able to kill her but that his plan was to slowly drive Abby mad so that Carter would know what it was like to lose someone he loved.


	11. Bang!

**Chapter 11: Bang**

Susan watched Carter as he emerged from Abby's bedroom. They both looked like they had been through the wringer. "How is she?"

"She's sleeping." Carter said as he said down in the chair at the kitchen table and put his head in his hands. "Right now that's the best that we can hope for, is that she get some sleep."

Susan sat down beside him now worried about them both, knowing what affect her in turn affected him and this was killing them both silently. "Carter you need to take her and get her some help. You can't do this one on your own."

Carter looked up at Susan. "I know," his response so soft and so quiet but he didn't think that Abby would be keen on the idea and that was half the battle right there in getting her the help that she needed. He knew that if she didn't want it that it wasn't going to do any good and this was an issue that needed to be walked tight, push her and she might snap, ignore it and try to deal with it on there own and it could blow up right in their faces. He didn't want to push her, have her bolt and then not know where she was or if she was even alright. But if he left it alone, it could fester to a point where one or both of them could get seriously hurt. He was torn with what to do, did he do what he knew he needed to do or did he do what he thought Abby would want him to do.

"I know it's not going to be easy Carter, but she needs it, that's not our Abby that's in there." Susan said.

"Don't you think that I know that?" Carter said as he pushed back angrily from the table. He didn't need to be reminded of how bad things had gotten. He didn't know anymore how to help her and that's what scared him the most. She was his everything. Abby had Carter's heart and when she hurt, he hurt.

Then there was that sinking feeling inside of him that this wasn't going to get any better. A defeat that he didn't want to accept but one that was a real possibility. He wasn't going to let Paul beat them down. He might have lost everything that he had once held dear, but Carter was not going to let that happen to them. He was going to watch her spiral downward farther and farther, just out of the reach of his touch.

"Carter." Susan said when she noticed that her friend had gotten very quiet again. Carter seemed to be lost in his own world of thoughts right now. "I know you know it, but sometimes that's something that even we don't want to admit to ourselves and she's going to be resistant to all of this. You know Abby well better than I do and we both know that she's not one to take help from others. We're going to have an uphill battle on our hands."

Carter just crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned back against the cold countertop. "What am I supposed to do Susan? Drag her down there and make her stay put until she gets what she needs? This is something that I can bargain with her about."

"No you can't, you are right there." Susan said. She had very feeble attempts to reassure Carter that everything was going to be okay but they both right now needed to believe that was how this whole thing was going to end. "but we are going to have to be forceful and not bend on this."

"Forceful, forceful, what are you nuts?" He said looking at her, his arms still crossed over his chest and a look of desperation and frustration now crossed his face, "that's the last thing that she needs right now. Force is what got her into this mess cause her world to start to unravel. My god she was attack in daylight on an EL platform. How do you think you would feel after something like that, your best friend and your boyfriend forcing you to do something?"

"At the time I probably wouldn't like it Carter." Susan said looking at him now there was still compassion in her eyes, but she couldn't let him not help Abby.

Carter rolled his eyes, "you bet your ass she's not going to like it. In fact it might do more harm than good for me to throw her over my shoulder carrying her kicking and screaming out that door. She hasn't left the apartment in days."

"Well it's a chance that we are going to have to take." Susan said.

"We? What do you mean we, since when has there become a we in this?" Carter asked looking at her with intense eyes, wondering what had gotten into her that she was suddenly so willing to come to the rescue.

"Yes, we, I will help you as much as I can." Susan reached over now and put her hand upon his shoulder, they were in this together as far as she was concerned. "I've been there since this started, I took care of her when she came in and I need to as much as you do see it to where she is back on her feet again."

She was right. Carter didn't know if he had the strength to do this alone. If she started crying or begging, he would back away not wanting to upset her or hurt her anymore than she had already been hurt. She was his soft spot, an Achilles heal of the sorts when it came to making Abby do something Carter just didn't have the heart.

They were both silent now as they stood there each locked in their own world of thought as they tried to come up with what they thought would be the best way to handle this. Of course there was the easy way of asking Abby to go with them to get some help and to talk to someone. The both knew that one just seemed to easy that it would be shot down with protest before they could get it out of their mouths. But neither of them wanted to have to actually force Abby to go outside and get help.

Then it happened, a sound that neither one of them wanted to hear, one that shattered the deep thoughts that they had both been stuck inside. It was the kind of sound that pulled at your heart and made you want to cry. You could hear Abby sobbing in the other room and then before either of them could react from the shock of hearing her cry, it was followed by a loud bang.

Carter went white as a sheet for that sound scared him half to death. He didn't know what to make of a noise so horrifying that bang, was not one that you wanted to hear inside a house with a woman who was barely hanging onto reality in the other room. Time seemed now to almost stand still as if they were frozen in that split second. He looked at Susan who was as white as he was.

But what could have forced her hand like that, to take such a desperate measure? Carter could feel his heart breaking; you could hear the sound of his heart breaking in the off silence that was there. Wishing that time would speed up so that he could move again. There was nothing like the feeling of knowing that time should be going faster that you should be doing something but yet you couldn't. There wasn't anything right now that he could make his body do, he was desperate for time.

Then there it was again that same loud eerie bang and he and Susan looked at each other still with horrified looks. Then there was the actual sound of a car motor running. A car outside had backfired twice. Carter let out a sigh but knew that it had probably scared Abby half to death. It was in that instant in time that he knew for both of their sanity and to ease his worries that he was going to take her to get help. He didn't want the fears that had just filled his mind to become reality. He didn't want too, more so he couldn't bare to lose his Abby like that. Something needed to be done before she became that drastic, that irrational, that lost.


	12. The Abby will fall

**Chapter 12: The Abby will fall**

The loud sound of the bang sent Abby flying from where she had been sleeping. She ended up huddled now in the corner of the room near the closet, her arms covering her head as if that was going to keep the evil away. Her body trembled uncontrollably as she fought to stay in control. Control that was hanging by nothing more than a thin well frayed thread.

The walls of the room were closing in on her. Her heart began to beat faster in her chest and she could feel the sweat forming now upon her face, her hands, and she could have sworn she felt the color leave her cheeks. An empty shell of a woman was what was left huddled there in the corner.

Her stomach started to turn violently on her and she clawed her way to the bathroom. She leaned her head over and started to empty her stomach, nothing but air was the result of her body's reaction to the fear. She sat there coughing and gagging, trying to get the horribly feelings to come to an end but they were more than what she could physically and mentally handle alone.

After he had regained his focus Carter headed down the hallway seeing that the bed where he had left her was empty and he could hear her in the bathroom. He walked carefully and slowly inside kneeling down next to her, holding onto her as he tried to comfort her during what he thought was a time of need.

Abby had nothing left to fight with, all that she had, had been sucked out of her. She laid there in his arm, drained.

Carter picked her up when her body ceased it's retaliation, returning her to the bed from which she had so hastily fled from. And with the way that Abby looked right now, it just nailed home what Susan had been trying to tell him just moments ago that she needed more help that what he could give her. Something had to give, she needed to see what was happening to her, surely even as her world was unraveling around her, Abby was aware of what was going on with herself.

Fear was an emotion that was strong and it could turn things around. Twist events so that you never remembered them exactly the same way twice. Bits and pieces of them would be missing and just when you thought it couldn't get any worse you would remember one more tiny detail. It had the power to make you feel what you didn't want to feel. Fear itself had the power to haunt you until you needed to find a way to escape it. It had the power to make you want to take the only way out. The one way out that you never dreamed you would take. The one way that took more courage than anything else, but you knew deep inside your very being that it was the only way to end the fear that had taken a hold of you, taken a hold of your life.

It was that point that Abby was at. She had reached the end of her rope. She didn't want to live like this, to be a prisoner inside of her own mind. That was how she felt right now. Compliant to the emotions that were flooding her body, feeling every thing as if it was happening for the first time over and over again. Every nerve in her body was shot, over stimulated making it feel that much more raw. She could no longer use closing her eyes to block out the pain, for it was when she closed her eyes that it was the most vivid. She couldn't get her exhausted mind to turn off, even for a moment to give her any sort of relieve, a momentary escape from reality. It was here and now that her mind had been made it, that she was going to have to make her mind's reality that which she wanted and needed it to be.

Insanity was it something that people wished for when it got so bad that you couldn't bare to face reality anymore. Was it a cheap cop out from having to face that which you didn't have the strength or the will power inside you for? Perhaps it was a built in defense mechanism of the mind for those who had experience something that they just could not mentally or physically cope with.

"Abby are you okay?"

She could hear the distance voice, yet her mind had let go and that voice didn't register with her anymore. She was locked now in a place where no one could harm her. A place where there was nothing evil, no fear. She had gone within the deepest parts of herself to escape. Abby's mind had taken her to a place where fear no longer existed, where the reality was that which she wanted it to be, silent and calming. She didn't have to wish to close her eyes to escape for even with her eyes open she had nothing to fear.

It might have been that she had gone so silent or even the blank look that covered her face, perhaps it was the hint of the small smile that was formed on the corner of her lips that sent shivers up Carter's spine as he looked at her. There was something different about her now, it had happened almost in an instant. She had gone from being scared of anything and everything to the most calm and relaxed person he had seen in days.

"Abby," Carter shook her shoulder, "Abby."

Yet there was no response from her. Her facial expression didn't change, she didn't blink, she didn't move. Carter clapped his hands in a futile effort to get some response out of Abby, yet there was nothing. And he began for the first time now to feel that fear. "Abby come on baby." He needed something, a sign from her that she was there. But she seemed unwilling to give him even the slightest hint, it appeared for all intense purposes that the lights were on but no one was at home.

"Susan!" Carter screamed not as he ran to the doorway.

Susan about died when she heard Carter's voice, the chill that was in it. You could from his tone alone know that something was desperately wrong. Her heart about stopped when she saw the look on his face as he stood in the doorway frantic for her to answer him. She ran towards him, "what Carter, oh god what?"

"Abby." He said pulling her now over to where he had left her as they both stood now next to the bed.

"Abby?" Susan said moving closer to her, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Abby? Abby come on snap out of it?"

There was nothing from Abby. She just sat there on the bed; the blank stare that had fallen across her face remained. Where she had gone, no one would know and she didn't want to be reached to be pulled from this place where she had now found comfort and solitude. There were no Paul's in this place, no stabbing, and no hurt. Why would anyone want to leave a place like this? It was a heaven on earth that once you found, you made yourself at home. The voices of the outside world faded from her ears, she was alone and that's the way she wanted to stay.

"Abby!" Susan shouted even louder now. "Carter what happened?"

"I found her in the bathroom throwing up, I brought her back in here and she just went silent." Carter said, "she hasn't said anything, she doesn't look at you and when she does it's like she's looking through you." He sat in front of Abby now desperate to catch her attention. "Abby baby I love you."

He hoped that would at least get a small smile from her, but it was as if she hadn't heard him, as if those words meant nothing to her anymore. The lack of reaction, of response broke his heart.

Susan was getting more worried by the second, she thought for sure that hearing Carter say that would illicit some form of response from her but yet there was nothing. Silence had filled the room, neither of them wanting to give up, or admit to the fact that while she might have been sitting there in the room with them she was no longer actually there. "Carter we need to take her to County." Susan finally managed to say breaking the silence.

Carter wanted to just take her into his arms and hold her until she said something to him but when he reached out and touched her hand there was nothing there, her eyes didn't move, she didn't move. A tear rolled down his cheek landing on her hand. She didn't even blink to see him hurting like that. "You're right." He said softly as he moved to pick her up from the bed and carry her out.

Where they thought that they were going to have to do this, fight her tooth and nail every step of the way, there was nothing. Susan grabbed the keys for Carter and opened the door. This wasn't right and they shouldn't have to be doing this. There was one person that both Carter and Susan could hold responsible for doing this to her. And yet he was about to become a man who lived his life in hospital but yet had full control of his mind, his victim however no longer had control of hers, she had lost touch with everything that at one time she had held dear.

Yet it wasn't just Abby now that was hurting from all of this, for the one thing that Paul had wanted above all else was to take something dear away from Carter. So that he could feel the pain that he had suffered all these years and that was to lose something. To be able to be near it but no longer have it with him. Carter could see Abby, he could touch Abby but he was no longer able to be with Abby. Right now it appeared that Paul had gotten his wish, Carter had lost Abby.


	13. For The Best

**Chapter 13: For The Best**

Carter and Susan were both nervous about taking Abby to County, a place where everyone knew her, where her friends worked. Seeing how she was right now, she was not the same person she had been a few days ago. And they both knew that this was going to be as big of shock for everyone else as it had been for them.

This was no longer the strong independent, stand on her own to feet Abby. This was a woman who when you glanced at her appeared to just be tired and worn out, but yet if you knew Abby, or had known Abby, you saw something completely different. You saw someone who had lost that spark in there eye, someone who had checked out of this world. She had been through so much and yet had stood her ground until now.

Carter drove Susan and Abby to the hospital. The drive over seemed longer than it had ever been. It wasn't the traffic; for it was flowing smoothly there was no rush right now. It was the worry that was racking at his brain, the what if's, that which might happen. How did you fight an enemy that you could not see? For them that was fear, you can't see it, you can't touch it, and you can only feel it. It wraps it's arms around you and embeds itself into the very depths of your soul. It can make your heart beat faster, make you see what isn't real, and for Carter and Abby, it was so very real and seemed to be an adversary that one could not beat.

He knew he needed to get her someplace safe, someplace where they could help her, to keep her from hurting herself or accidentally hurting someone else. She had seemed to have lost connection with what was real and that which was playing in her mind. And no one but Abby knew what was playing in her mind. He couldn't help but wonder would she snap and break even further, unlock herself from the trance like state she had fallen into a be angry and violent, a side of her that you never saw, but it was all too much a part of human nature when one's fight or flight instincts kicked in.

She was so silent sitting there, her head resting against the window as she appeared to be watching the cars as they passed them. But as the flashes of the cars passed by when one would normally blink to adjust to the colors and the changing visions in front of them her eyes were eerily still, she didn't blink, she didn't move, she was just there.

"Susan please tell me when are doing the right thing?" Carter could see her sitting there in the rear view mirror. Susan seated in the passenger seat next to him. Abby behind them both right now.

"You are Carter." She said reaching over and patting his leg, "we both know that this is for the best."

"Why is it so hard?" He said glancing into the mirror again just to make sure that she was okay, no not okay, but that nothing else had happened.

"Because you care about her." That was the simplest and most honest answer that Susan had to give to him right now. There were no wise words of wisdom that she could spout at him. No guarantees that everything would be okay. The last thing that Susan want to do right now was make promises that she knew she might not be able to keep.

Susan knew that Carter needed to be able to hold onto hope, because when things got hard it seemed to be the only thing that you had. She didn't want to take that away from him, but at the same time, too much hope was never a good thing and it would set him up for later hurt and heartbreak if things just didn't turn out the way that they all hoped they would.

Could Abby break free of whatever it was that had seemed to have taken a hold of her? She was the only one who held the answers to that and right now she wasn't going to talk to anyone. She didn't even seem to acknowledge that other people existed at all right now. Susan turned and looked at her, what was it like to be inside yourself like that. Her family was crazy but not like this. Abby's family was crazy but not like this either. This was something that was not normal, not unheard of or unseen not just something that you came across everyday and working in the ER, it seemed as if you saw just about every form, every kind of mental illness known to man.

"I do," Carter said now as he continued driving them. Trying to focus on something else for the few short minutes that they were driving yet his mind kept floating back to the worry that was there. You could be told a hundred times not to worry and each time you might be able to for a few minutes but it never took much to get that worry to creep back into your thoughts.

"You are doing the right thing Carter, whether it feels that way or not, it's the right thing." Susan said, "you can't second guess yourself or your decision right now. She needs help. I know you want to be the one to give it to her, but this is beyond you, it's beyond me. I know I wish that I could help her, to help you to help her, but we can't right now. It's time to call in the experts."

"Sending her to Meyers just seems like the wrong thing, that he's the wrong person to help her. What if he makes things worse than what they already are? What if he pushes her further away and she ends up resenting me for doing this to her?" Carter said back to her.

"That's a chance, a risk that we are going to have to take." Susan answered him, "those are all valid fears and concerns that you have, feeling that if you didn't have I'd be worried about you too, but you can't let that stop you from doing this. You didn't do this to her and she'll eventually see that you are not to blame."

"How can you be so certain?" Carter asked. "You seem so confident with your answer."

"Because I have faith that we are doing the right thing." Susan said, "and when you know you are doing the right thing, even if the person you are doing it for doesn't instantly see it, or know it right away, in time they will see that you only did it because you cared for them." That was the truth the only catch was Susan didn't know if Abby would be able to ever be aware enough again of the world around her to know what they had done, "that and you didn't do this to her Carter, this is not your fault."

"But it is." He said as he stopped the car in the parking lot now. "No one can say that this isn't my fault."

"Carter," Susan said putting her hand on his face to turn it so that he was looking at her, she needed him to not only hear this but believe it as well. "No, you are not to blame. Paul did this, mentally ill or not, Paul is responsible for his actions not you."

"Paul went after her because of me." Carter said pulling away from her, "if she wasn't involved with me, he wouldn't have gone after her. So I might not have stabbed her in back, I might not have been the one to actually physically hurt her, but I'm the reason, plain and simple that she's the way that she is right now."

"Carter, you can't believe that." She said, "you shouldn't believe that." Susan paused for a minute, "how do you know that Paul went after her because of you?"

"I…" Carter didn't know if he wanted to actually answer that or not. It would be so easy to tell Susan that it was just speculation but Carter wasn't good a lying he never had been and as much as he didn't want to tell her, he knew that he had to cause if anything else came out of his mouth she would probably pick up on the fact that he was lying now. "I went and saw him this morning, that's where I went."

"Why did you do that?" Susan asked as she now became a little more worried about his mental health, going and seeing Paul was the last thing that Carter should be doing right now.

"He had answers that I needed and I wanted him to tell me why he did it." Carter said, it was the most simple and direct answer that he could come up with, hopefully she would just drop it for now and not tell him that he had made some horrible mistake that he didn't need to be doing something like that.

"I hope you know better than to believe what he says Carter." Susan answered him back as she moved to get out of the car now, "he's going to tell you lies, his mind will twist that which isn't real and make it his reality."

"I know." He said rather flatly now, not wanting to get into this conversation right now. He got out and turned back to get Abby out of the car.

"As long as you know." Susan said, "let's get this done." That didn't come out the way that she wanted it to, but she also knew that this was the last thing that the two of them wanted to be doing.

Carter picked Abby up holding her close to his body now. Standing there next to the jeep just holding onto her for a few extra minutes. He didn't want to take her inside, he didn't want to have them lock her up to watch her, to try and unlock her mind, but he knew that was what needed to be done. Finally he managed to find the willpower and the strength to move again. It was going to be the start of what would be a very long day.


	14. The Least I Can Do

**Chapter 14: The least I can do**

Carter carried Abby inside the ER, attempting to avoid as many people as possible, the few people that knew they were there; he thought the better off that they would be. It wasn't that he was ashamed or embarrassed about the shape that Abby was in, it was that he didn't want to play 20 questions with everyone and have the constant barrage of the "how is she doing?" aimed at him. He needed to focus on her right now and her alone. She would always be his number one concern but right now she was all he could afford to think about.

He didn't ask what room was open, sliding by admit with out a single head turning. Most everyone seemed busy with the normal barrage of patients that came as a constant flow into the ER. He walked down the hallway until he found an open room where they wouldn't be disturbed.

"Susan you want to put a Jane Doe on the board so that they don't try to put anyone else in here." Carter said softly as he laid Abby down on the gurney. She stayed right where he had placed her. Not phased at all with the change of surroundings.

"You want me to page psyche?" She asked in hushed tones.

"No I'll do that, I want Carl down here himself." He said without an iota of hesitation behind his voice, "I don't want some resident or intern dealing with this."

Susan nodded as she headed back out the door and down the hallway. Carter made sure that all the blinds were down so that those who were passing by couldn't just peer in. He knew that this was the right decision and he picked up the phone on the wall. When he got through to Deraad's office he explained the situation what had been going on and what was happening now. Carl agreed with Carter that Abby was not a teaching case and that Carter should bring her upstairs, that they would have a place for her when they got there.

Carter hung up the phone and waited for Susan to return. "We need to take her upstairs, Carl is waiting for us."

"Good thing, cause it's starting to overflow out there, they would come looking for us if they knew we were here sucking us into the ER Vortex that never lets go." Susan was trying to keep the mood light. She wanted Carter to be more relaxed not that this was something that should be joked around with but the tension in that room was so thick that you could cut it with a knife.

"You think we can get up there with out being spotted."

Susan looked at him, "covert operation." She said softly, "I think we can make it, what if we went back and took the service elevator rather than the ones in the main ER?"

"That might work." Carter said. They weren't that far from them right now as it was, and they could go on the ones used to take carts up and down between the various floors possibly without being seen.

"It should." Susan said. She watched and waited as Carter picked up Abby and then she poked her head out in the hallway, "other door, there's Weaver." She said darting back inside and opening up the other door, "come on this way."

The snuck there way through the ER darting and ducking as they needed to but managing to get to the elevators with out being seen.

"You know I think that's the first time that I have gone through the ER without being spotted by a soul, but then I never had tried that hard to sneak through it either." Susan said as the door started to shut, they were now home free and headed up to the 5th floor.

"You need to try more often and keep your skills up." Carter said he knew that Susan was trying to keep things light and he would play along with her. He knew that this was stressful enough on both of them without the added need for silence in the ER.

"Ever thought about joining the CIA?" She joked softly now.

"Nope," Carter said giving her a soft smile, "why have you?"

"Not that I know of." She replied back as they watched and waited for the elevator to get to the right floor.

"God these are slower than the main elevators." Carter said.

"Yeah they seem to be way slower, I thought the ones in the ER were but I guess they are nothing to be complaining about." Susan replied.

"Oh no when you can take the stairs up faster than you can take the elevator, you have something to complain about."

"You must have ran those stairs a million times a day when you were a resident."

"Only when I was Benton's student." Carter replied. "Once I left surgery I didn't have to run up and down between the floors answering pages all day long. How I definitely do not miss those days."

"Ah but you were such a cute and sweet medical student Carter." Susan said, "you were the first one that Mark, Doug, Benton and I had ever seen in a starched white lab coat." She laughed softly. "I remember that day like it was yesterday almost."

"Some days if feels like yesterday." Carter answered.

"I worked on your very first patient after graduation." She said smiling as she thought back on a time that seemed so long ago. "Benton had just given you a brand new lab coat and you got to try it on and out."

"Yeah." Carter said as he remember back to then too. "Seems like it's a whole different ER now. Nothing stayed the same."

"Nothing ever stays the same Carter." Susan said, she could tell that she was helping to keep his mind somewhat off where they were going. "You remember that first day you came in so quiet and bashful, your clipboard landed right on the Admit desk bell. We all had to wonder if you actually knew anything, but then of course Doug's answer to that was that you knew how to dress."

"I didn't know a whole lot then, and I can't say that I know a lot more now." He said, "just more experience under my belt and having the greatest teachers." He smiled at her now.

"Yeah this place did have good teachers, well okay not all of them. Man I remember when Mark said that Kerry Weaver was coming over as Chief Resident, the next thing it seems like she became queen of the ER overnight."

"But she hasn't done a horrible job." Carter replied back.

"No, Kerry hasn't done a horrible job and she's kept this place running." Susan said, "I just never thought that I would be Chief of the ER when I came back from Phoenix."

"I never thought that Kerry would be Chief of Staff either." He said looking down. "I guess I always just pictured her as holding the iron fist over those of us slaving away in the ER."

"She does run that place with an iron fist." Susan said looking over at him as the elevator jerked to a stop so that they could get out.

The walk down the hallway towards the psych entrance was one of the longest walks that Carter had ever taken in his life. His feet felt as if they had been dunked in cement and had dried heavy. When they reached the desk, he looked over at Susan and you could see the sadness in his eyes, surrounded by all the concern he felt and the worry that was buried in there as well.

"Abby Lockhart," He said his voice barely more than a whisper. "I talked to Dr. Deraad; he said that he'd have a bed for her."

"Yeah 560, down the hall."

Carter started to walk again down the hallway towards the room. He reached the door and took Abby inside.

"Carter do you want me to stay with you longer?" Susan asked.

"Would you, I understand though if you need to get home." Carter answered.

"No I can stay it's really okay." Susan replied, "you guys are my friends and sometimes you have to put friends first." She patted Carter's arm. He looked horrible and exhausted right now.

"Dr. Carter." Carl said as he entered the room. "Dr. Lewis."

"Hello Carl." Carter said.

"Hey Carl." Susan answered.

The three of them talked for a few minutes and then Carl wanted to sit and talk to Abby without the two of them there. Carter was reluctant to leave the room.

"She's in good hands Carter." Susan said as she led him down the hallway. "Why don't we go and get some coffee while Abby is in there with him."

She didn't wait for an answer from Carter as they headed off to have coffee. She knew if would keep him occupied for awhile and this way he wasn't pacing a hole in the carpet up there. It was the least that she could do for him right now. They got back onto the elevator and headed down and outside. Walking over to the newspaper stand where Susan got them both coffee and they walked back across to the ambulance bay to wait, there was no reason to rush back up there. The conversation that was taking place up on the 5th floor was going to be one that was either very one-sided or very long.


	15. I'm not home

**Chapter 15: I'm not home.**

Carl spent over an hour trying to get to Abby, reach her in someway, but it seemed that right now the more that he tried the less that he seemed to get from her. She just sat there in silence her eyes glazed over and there was still that look of an empty shell on her face. She had for all intense purposes shut completely down due to what she had suffered and was in a state of shock, but for all intense purposes and lack of a better word to call it, Abby was comatose.

Susan and Carter had coffee, walked and talked a little before heading back upstairs to see what progress, or rather hoped for progress had been made.

"Carl, how is she?" Carter asked when they spotted the experienced psychologist sitting at the main admitting desk in psych.

"You were right to be worried about her." Carl said looking at the two of them, "she's shut down; the events that have occurred are too much for her to deal with so she's gone, for a lack of another way to put it, gone into her own little world."

"What do we do for her?"

"I'd like to keep her here and try to work with her, see if we can't find a way to reach her, to make her feel safe enough that she will begin to open up to us."

"Safe here?" Carter said, "no offense Carl, but I think this is one of the few places Abby will definitely not feel save in."

"Why is that Dr. Carter?"

Carter sighed now as he looked over at Susan, perhaps she could explain it better than he could for he wasn't there when it happened.

"Carl, Paul somehow managed to get into the hospital after Abby's initial attack and well threatened to and attempted to kill her here as well as on the platform. I don't think she will see this as a safe haven even knowing that Paul is locked up. We all thought that he was in a secure facility before all of this happened and as you can see the results of that thinking."

"I can understand that, we could always transfer her to another hospital, a more private setting."

"If you think that is what is best."

"I would personally like to take over her care here. Give her a few days, make sure that she's placed where she knows that she has a safe environment try a few tricks and therapies and take it from there."

Carter was silent for a minute as he pondered what to do, what would be the best for Abby. The hospital was the best place for Abby right now, but he didn't know if this hospital was the best place for Abby once you put everything on the table. He glanced over at Susan.

"Carter you need to do what you think is best for her right now." Susan said, "I know that's not the advice that you wanted to hear from me right now, but I can't say what's going to work out to be the best situation, you know her better than I do."

Carter closed his eyes for a minute as he ran his hand through his hair and let out a sigh. This was a call that he didn't know if he wanted to be the one to make, if he should be the one to make it. "Should we consult Maggie?"

"You can if you want Carter." Susan answered him now, "do you think she would know what is best for Abby, and do you think that Abby would want Maggie making decisions for her?"

Carter thought about that one, not for long, "no I don't think she would want Maggie making the decisions for her, but Susan…" Carter had to take in a deep breath, "this isn't a decision that I want to make."

She put her hand on Carter's arm now, her voice soft as she tried to offer her friend the best support that she could give him right now. "I know, but Abby can't make decisions right now, I'm not in a position to make them for her, you are the only one she has right now so it's up to you. I know that it's not easy but I know that if I was in Abby's place I'd be glad that it was you looking out for me."

Carter reached over and patted her arm now, "a little to much smoke there Susan." While he appreciated her advice and input into the situation, he couldn't help but also give her a small smile for trying to help keep his spirits up.

He finally knew what he needed to do, after thinking it over, debating with himself over the pros and the cons of the decisions, knowing that there was nothing certain in any of this and there was no guarantee that Abby would get better no matter what they did he reached a decision. He knew that once he made it no matter what the consequences where he needed to stand firm and not have any regrets.

"You do what you think is best for her Carl." He looked at the psychiatrist now, "I trust your judgment and your expertise in this area. I know that you will do what you can for her."

"I will Carter. Feel free to stop by and see her, to talk to her, as much as you like." He said, "I know that she needs her friends and her family right now more than ever."

"Come on Carter, why don't you let me drive you home, you can get some sleep, take a shower, we'll get you something to eat and then I can drive you back if you want." Susan offered.

"I don't…"

"Carter right now I am not taking no as answer, I don't need you in there with her."

He just nodded as he let Susan take him by the arm and led him home. There wasn't much that he could do for Abby right now and he knew that he needed to take care of himself to be able to take care of her.


	16. Please Don't Ask Me

**Chapter 16: Don't ask me please.**

Those first few days where the hardest of his life. Going up to the psych ward to visit Abby, seeing her in her own little world unable to be reached by those who cared about her. Yet every day he went up there, he sat with her, he talked to her and every day he left heartbroken. She never seemed to acknowledge that he was there, no blinking, no head nodding; it was as if there was no one in the room with him at times. Carter, however, was determined to not give up.

The days went by and the seasons started to change. Yet nothing changed with Abby. Old man winter had finally lost his grip on Chicago and you could tell that spring was not only in the air but had arrived. The flowers were starting to bloom and there was new life all around them. Carter couldn't help but wish that somehow some new life would be blown into Abby, like the change of the season, give her a change in how her life had become.

"Hey Abby how you doing?" The first question that he asked ever day as he moved into her room and sat down by where she was sitting.

Abby had her head leaning against the wall and didn't answer him.

"It was busy yesterday after I left here." Carter said looking at her with his sad eyes. They couldn't help but hold sadness in them. It hurt to see her like this. Again he got no response from her.

"Everyone downstairs misses you and can't wait for you to be able to come back to work." He looked down carrying on a conversation with yourself day after day was a hard thing to have to do, but he hoped that this would help in some way. Deep down inside in his heart he couldn't just give up and accept that this was the way that things were going to be.

"You know," he said reaching over and touching her hand. "The weather has really started to get nice outside. Maybe we can go outside one of these days. I know that you would love to feel that fresh air, the breeze blowing through your hair."

Again there was nothing from her. Nothing ever seemed to get a response out of her. He talked about work, how things were going, the weather, what he had been doing, what other people in the ER, her friends, her colleagues had been doing yet it was almost as if she just didn't care. That is was easier to tune out the whole world so that she could believe that none of this had happened.

"Susan wants to come up and see you." He said, "I told her that I thought it would be a great idea that you would probably like someone else's company for a little bit." He was running out of things to say again. He could sit there and talk to her but every day about this time, there wasn't much else to say. He had been there almost 2 hours and he would be leaving again.

"Okay," He said as he stood up, "time for me to get going." He leaned over and kissed her cheek as he did ever time. This was becoming more and more of a routine for him at this point than anything else. "I will see you tomorrow."

Dead silence came from Abby. He sighed softly as he headed for the door, there was always tomorrow and then the day after that she might snap out of this, but the longer this went on the worse the chances that she'd be herself again slowly diminished.

He was on his way out, crossing through the ER after stopping in the lounge to retrieve his things from his locker.

"Hey Carter." Susan said when she saw that he was getting ready to leave.

"Don't bother asking me." He replied back. Susan asked him the same question every time he visited Abby. He knew that she wasn't doing it to be reminding him of how things were, but that she genuinely cared about Abby and he was at times the only source of information for just about everyone down there. But you could only say the same so many times before it started to wear on you.

"I won't." She replied softly. Abby had been upstairs for a long time now and she knew that with each passing day it wore just a little bit more on him.

"I thought I'd see if you wanted to grab some dinner maybe a movie tonight." She answered back without hesitation. He had been so isolated and alone, not going out at all other than to work and home again.

Not that Susan could blame him. She didn't know what she would do if she found herself in the same situation that he was in right now. All she could do was be his friend and in the best of times right now that was a hard thing to do.

"How about tomorrow night?" He replied back to her. "I have a few things that I need to do tonight but I'm free tomorrow night."

Susan wanted to say that he was free every night now but he might have had some family obligation that he needed to take care of tonight so she bit her tongue, "yeah tomorrow night would be fine too."

Carter threw his bag over his shoulder. "Great," he said trying to be as upbeat and cheerful with her as he could possibly managed at the moment, "pick a place for dinner find a movie, my treat."

"How can I resist something like that?" Susan gave him a half smile now, "you're on, and I'm off at seven tomorrow how about you?"

"Yeah about the same time." He said, "unless something comes in and we get buried. Hazards of working in a county facility."

Susan did actually laugh softly when he said that, "yeah hazards." She paused for a moment. "Have a good night Carter."

"Yeah you too." He said as he slipped out of the ER and started the long walk home. He had taken to walking. Not because he was afraid to take the EL, it just gave him something other to do, killed a little more time than taking the train. It was nice outside so there was no reason not to walk today.

As he walked home, knowing the way that he needed to go almost by heart a trip that he could do on autopilot, for the first time in a long time he actually took in the things that were going on around him. He took notice of the other people around him. A woman with her children on an outing of some kind, two young lovers walking hand in hand down the side walk completely smitten with each other and for them they were the only two people in the world. An old man working his way home, his back bent from his years of hard labor, slow were his steps but Carter could tell that he was determined to get home. Perhaps his wife of several years was there waiting for him.

A child holding his arms out for his mother to pick him up from the ground. Children making themselves busy with various things, most of it child's play, the simple things in life was what he saw tonight on his walk home. Those were the things that he was missing the most right now, those simple things.

Someone waiting for you at home, to ask you how your day had been. Someone to be there when things got tough with a simple hug or a touch that could take the pain, sorrows, the worries of the day away. For him that had been Abby. They could work for hours together but yet at the end of the day she had always been there for him with those simple things. A hug, a kiss, or even just a quick touch to his arm or a pat on the leg. It was those things that could easily take away the stresses of the day. Make the world seem to fade away for just a few moments to where it was just the two of them together. It was her that he dreamed of growing old with, having children, perhaps someday grandchildren that he could bounce on his knee and tell stories to of days gone by. It was those things that had been ripped from their lives in just a few minutes; one hurtful act had unwoven their ribbon of time.

As he walked up the stairs, he took a moment to compose himself, to remind himself that today had been a good day. He had done all that he could and tomorrow he would get up and do the same thing all over again. He had to be thankful for the things that he had in his life and not dwell on the things that he didn't seem to have. For even though Abby was not there with him, she was not gone.


	17. Fading Seasons

**Chapter 17: Fading Seasons**

The weeks passed Spring slowly faded now as the heated days of summer took a hold of the city of Chicago. There was no change with Abby, everything was the way it had been months ago and Carter was struggling to keep the faith that sometime this would all come to an end and that she would be able to leave the hospital.

Carter kept up the same routine. He would either go up and see Abby before his shift or right after he was done. It all just depended on if he was working day or night. But nothing kept him from going up there at least once a day. Carter's visits were a constant thing. He wanted her to know even if she didn't more so for himself, that he hadn't or wouldn't stop coming to see her.

He and Carl had, had a conversation about moving her to a long term facility one that could provide the round the clock care that someone in her state needed. It was a move that Carter didn't want to make. Not only would it mean that Abby wouldn't be close to him but that they had given up on her.

It was now the fourth of July and Carter had told Carl that he would give him his answer by the 15th of the month. That gave him a little under two weeks now to make that decision and it was one that he grappled with every day. The times that it was the worst was the times that he was sitting there with her. He had moved them tonight over so that they could watch the fireworks out the window.

"Aren't they beautiful?" Carter said not expecting an answer, he was getting used to the one sided conversations, yet this time when he looked over at her there was something different. The blank look that she usually wore, the expressionless face that had been looking at him actually for the first time held a hint that there was life inside her once again.

She didn't say anything to him, but Carter knew that he was getting through that he was finally getting through to her. Her eyes were now fixated on the bursts of light coming through the window as the fire works exploded in the sky.

"I think these are the best ones that they have had in years." He said to her again, just watching as he could see her eyes moving, as if she was actually watching them now rather than just sitting there. Just keep talking to her Carter; you might get an answer from her yet, some kind of response from her.

He sat next to her watching them, "the purple ones are my favorite of them all. I love the color." He said now to her.

Abby watched the fireworks, she could see the vibrant colors exploding as the world that she had been living in for so long was starting to fade away and she was starting to feel the real world around her. Her mind was still a fog, yet she could hear someone talking to her in the distance, the voice sounded muffled and unclear, she wasn't sure who it had belonged to just yet but it was the first voice that she had heard in a long time.

There was that same voice again and it just kept talking to her in muffled inaudible sounds. A word here and there she could almost make out but to her it was as if she was underwater hearing the voices of the people above. A dream like place, asleep but not asleep, alert enough now to hear but not enough to make out what was being said. She was so unsure if that voice was talking to her or if it was just a random person who happened to be within her earshot talking.

She was internally fighting a battle now, a battle between her conscious mind and her need to stay where she felt completely safe. Lonely and longing to feel something other than completely numb, to feel the love that she had felt so long ago. A part of her was ready to leave her safe haven and yet another part of her wanted to stay there, for nothing bad had happened in the time that she had been there. It felt like this was the perfect place but she felt like she didn't belong there anymore.

"Too bad they are always so short." Carter said now as he started to move them back into the room. There was some resistance from Abby now as if she didn't want to leave the window where they had been watching them from. "They are over Abby. It's time to move now back to bed."

Abby heard the voice much clearer now as the fog of the dream like state started to lift a little more and she could begin to feel emotions that she hadn't felt in so long. Abby reached out to touch the arm that was touching her and looked at John, actually looked at him, "no bed."

Carter about flew out of his skin when she touched him and then spoke. Those were the first words that he had heard in so long uttered from her that he almost didn't believe that she had said anything. "What?"

"I don't want to go to bed." She repeated now, more aware of her surroundings, the trance she had been in was losing it's hold on her and she was beginning to return to the real world once again.

Carter stood there now his mouth hanging open or so it felt, she was talking to him. That was Abby's voice he had heard and he was having a hard time containing himself from running from the room screaming she spoke, she spoke. "What do you want?"

"I'm hungry." She replied back. While there was no emotion in her voice and her facial expressions didn't change as they once would have she was beginning to get a feel for how things were supposed to be once again.

"You are?" He couldn't hold back the surprised tone of his voice, "we can get you something to eat."

Abby moved now on her own free will. She crossed the room and sat down in the chair. Carter just watched her now, he couldn't take his eyes off her, this was what he had been waiting for, for so long it almost didn't seem real, yet he knew inside his heart that it was. "I'll be right back, I'm just going to go and find you something."

"Okay." She replied back with a soft nod.

While their conversation might not have contained anything substantial, it was more than enough for him. He walked out the door and headed for the nurses station. "Where's Dr. Deraad?" Carter asked.

"Down in the ER doing a consult." The nurse replied back to him, "something wrong Dr. Carter."

"No nothing is wrong, could you page him for me tell him to get up here ASAP and Abby would like something to eat, you have anything up here?"

"Dinner was awhile ago Dr. Carter." The nurse said giving him a puzzled look now, "what do you mean she wants something to eat?"

"She said she was hungry," Carter couldn't hide the smile that was creeping across his face now.

"She did?" That caught the nurse off guard for the entire time she had been there taking care of Abby, the woman never uttered a single word.

"That she did."

"I'll page Dr. Deraad now." She said, "check the fridge in the lounge there might be something in there she can have."

Carter just smiled as he headed down the hallway in search of something for Abby to eat. Today was the first day of the rest of their lives. He knew that she would have a long way to go before she was fully recovered, if she did ever fully recover. To hear words from her was a start and something that he wanted to almost celebrate right now. He couldn't wait to tell Susan about what was happening. He knew she would be as happy as he had been but for right now he needed to get Abby something to eat and have a conversation with Carl. Abby would not be moving from County now, at least not to another hospital, when she left here it would be to go home.


	18. Slowly Forward We Shall Go

**Chapter 18: Slowly Forward We Shall Go**

Taking it one day at a time never seem so hard, it was as if he was waiting for Christmas to come and that his present was Abby being able to come home. She was far from being able to do that thought. Each day some little step forward was taken. She had her good days and she had her bad days. The good days she would do something that she hadn't done before. Taking a small trip to the end of the hallway, and then on those bad days no one could get her to step outside of her room.

Today she and Carter had made it to the cafeteria where they were going to have lunch. Well that was the plan but Carter had this sneaking feeling that if they made it to the cafeteria even that made it all worth while. She had been speaking to people now for about 2 weeks and Carl was much more confident in her recovery.

"Almost to the elevator." Carter said as they walked down the hallway, "you are doing great." Little words of encouragement to keep her moving forward.

"I can see it." She said a hint of fear in her voice.

"Don't worry I'm right here beside you and if you get uncomfortable we will come right back." He said softly to her now.

"I know." Abby answered back. The walls were trying to close in on her a little now but she tried to think of everything that her and Carl had been working on over the past two weeks and it helped to send them back just a little bit. "Is it nice outside?"

"You could fry an egg on the sidewalk today." Carter answered her now, "too warm if you ask me."

"Sounds like it." Abby said back as they reached the elevator. And she leaned forward and pushed the button, trying to gain her confidence back as well as some of her independence.

"Yeah hopefully it won't last to much longer, they are getting a lot of heat stroke victims in the ER, and it's keeping us busy." Carter answered her.

"I bet." That part made her sad, she knew she wouldn't be able to go back into medicine now that she had become somewhat of what they considered mentally unstable. It didn't bother her that she had the label though, there were reason that were out of her control and in time she would heal completely. It was all from the trauma and it was something that she still didn't like to talk about or even think about it if she could avoid it.

"Are you okay?" There was something about the tone of her voice that wasn't sitting well with him.

"Yeah," she answered back, "wish everyone would stop asking me that. I will let you know if I'm not."

"Okay I will try I promise." He said giving her a soft smile now, he had been keeping his distance from her a little bit not wanting to push her to hard, but he couldn't help but worry about her all of the time.

Now she laughed, "okay Carter you try." She had a soft smile on her face that hid how nervous she really was about all of this. She didn't like leaving the safety of her room or the safety of the floor much for that matter either, but for Carter she was trying.

She was doing okay; well right now she was doing okay. As the elevator descended down towards the cafeteria and more people got on she got more nervous. It stopped on the floor where they wanted to be and she fought the urge to just not get off hit the button and go back up to her room.

Carter cautiously took her hand as they got off and headed for the cafeteria. Abby just kept taking those slow deep breaths that she had been told were supposed to have a calming effect, nope, not today.

He walked over and picked up an orange tray, holding it in his hands, "let's get us something to eat, what do you think you are in the mood for?"

Abby shrugged her shoulders not knowing if she really wanted to eat right now, she wasn't feeling all that great, she knew it was just the fear that she was feeling, and she knew that the only thing she could do right now was try and conquer that fear, not wanting to let it beat her.

They walked through the line and Abby finally settled on a bagel and some Jell-o and a cup of coffee. Hey it was the lunch of champions in her mind. Carter bought there lunch after settling on an egg salad sandwich and a bag of chips. He found them a table that wasn't overly crowded; they had planned the time to come down when there wouldn't be a lot of people in there, as to not overwhelm her just yet.

They sat and ate. Abby was pretty proud of herself for being able to do this and not throw up or run in fear. And from the look on Carter's face you could tell that he was pretty happy with the way things were going. There were few words said between the two of them as they ate and when they finished they headed back upstairs.

"You did great." Carter said as they had gotten back upstairs.

"Thanks, I think." She said giving him that funny smile again.

"Baby steps," he said squeezing her hand softly, "it's just going to take a whole lot of them. But you're here and that's all that matters to me."

Abby for the first time now since this all started stopped Carter from walking as they stood now in the hallway outside her room. She stood up on her tiptoes and placed a small kiss on his cheek, there was nothing huge about it, nothing overly passionate, and she didn't put a whole lot of herself into doing it. But the smile that was on Carter's face from that simple gesture said more than any words could ever say.

He smiled down at her, not wanting to go but knowing that she had things that she needed to do today and he needed to get back to work. "Hey don't get the group leader a hard time today." He gave her a grin.

"Ah shucks and to think I was looking forward to giving him a run for his money."

"You know you can be down right evil when you want to be."

"Nope, just trying. And half the time he deserves it." Abby blushed a little now as she drug her foot across the ground and smiled down. "I won't today." She looked up, "have a good day Carter." She had a hand on the door frame now as she swung herself into the room a little more.

"It will be a good one now." He said watching her as he backed a few steps away. "I'll see you later."

"That you will."

Carter headed off down the stairs to get to work, his heart feeling a little lighter today than it had in a long time they were making some serious progress and each step forward that they took together was one more step closer to being able for her to go home.


	19. Walk with me

Chapter 19: Walk With Me A Minute

Christmas would soon be upon them and the one gift this Christmas that Carter wanted more than anything in the world was to be able to take Abby home for the holidays. For the two of them to be able to sit beneath the Christmas tree watching the lights twinkle as the snow fell from the sky outside their window.

It was more of a wish than anything that reality could bring to him. It wasn't Abby getting better for she was. Every new day brought another step forward and no matter how small that step might have been, Carter was and always would be thankful for it.

Paul's trial was harder than Carter thought it would be, and there for several days he found himself having flashbacks from his own stabbing. If this was this hard for him to handle it could only imagine how hard it was for her. He just wanted to have all this behind if and if he had his way he would have been the one to administer the lethal injection to rob Paul of everything that they had been robbed of.

Carter had never been a bitter man, or even one to hold a grudge but something was different this time. Perhaps it was the effects that one man had been able to inflict upon his life, or the fact that he hadn't done it once but twice, and there was no room for forgiveness. What sympathy Carter might have had for the man had left when he drove that knife into Abby's back. Paul attacking Lucy had been one thing but this was something of a completely different nature, his feelings for Abby were deeper than what he had felt for Lucy.

He stood now in the cool air of the apartment, the heat not having come on yet from his arrival home. From the living room he could watch the snowfall, the small flecks of white tumbling down to the earth from the dark sky. Darkness had fallen so you couldn't tell that the sky was grey. Each one that came gently falling from the sky was as individual as the people he saw when he was at work, yet when they hit the ground they all blended together, that's how his days had become one blending into the other.

He closed his eyes as he ran his hands up and down his arms in a feeble attempt to try and warm himself up a little bit. He didn't like being alone here, but for the time being he was slowly adjusting to it. He knew that it was only a matter of time before things would return to normal, what every that might have been. For nothing would ever be the same, it never could be the same that was a fact that they all had to face. It was one of those things that you might have desperately wanted but the events that had unfolded where events that could not be erased. Scars on the surface ran deep, and Carter had the constant reminder of that on his body, tattooed there for life. The mental damage that had been done, the following addiction, those you could overcome and learn to move on from. They shaped who you were and where you had been in live, but a scar, no it was deeper it was with you until the time that you died and even then when the soul left the body the scar still remained.

He opened his eyes watching the snow fall again for a moment before moving into the kitchen, all this time he'd been staying here so that he could be surrounded still by her and their memories. It was Carter's way of dealing with things, a way to kill the loneliness that had set in since she had been gone. He didn't, up until all of this had happened realized how much Abby had become a part of his life and how lost he was with out her there with him. There was something about the way that she could always make him smile no matter how hard the day had been and it was time like this when he missed it the most. When the quiet and the darkness were at there worst.

He found himself now wandering through the darkness that had settled in the apartment. He wandered back towards the bedroom, the room that they had once shared, and found himself hoping, almost saying a silent prayer that they would share it once again. Yet knowing in his heart that it would be a long time before that happened something about their relationship had changed, it wasn't his fault and it certainly by no means was Abby's fault, they had both been through so much that they had both changed. Not for the better and not necessarily for the worse, but they had both changed and it was that change that was going to make it hard if not nearly impossible for them to get back to each other. To be able to find themselves in the place where they had been before.

He picked up a small bottle of her perfume that had been left sitting on her dresser. Carter hadn't moved anything from where it had been. It wanted everything to be the way that it had been when she had left. Well minus the psychosis. He inhaled some of the scent from the bottle and drifted back to a time that seemed so far into the past, yet it really wasn't. His mind made it seem as if it was just yesterday with as clear as it was.

A few minutes passed before he snapped from the land of memories, dreams, fantasy and back to the cold harsh reality of the way that the world really was. He had decisions to make, way to many things to think about, it was all a giant jumble in his mind right now. He set it back down into it's place back on the dresser and headed back to the kitchen and pulled the fridge door open. And there it was staring him right in the face. That bottle, contemplation, temptation, it was right there in front of him.

Reality smacked him like the hard hand of a woman, as if he was a small child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He could hear a voice in the back of his head, two of them, one telling him that it was more than okay, no one would ever know. There in the dark empty apartment there was no one to know. And the other voice, the one that he knew he should listen to telling him that he would know, and that should be enough to keep him from wanting to do that. To be a hypocrite was not something that he needed to be or wanted to be.

He stood there having a staring contest with it. To do or not to do that was the question that was nagging him. Pick it up and feel nothing for a little while, stumble but not fall. He picked it up now holding it in his hand feeling how cold the bottle was, how good it would feel for just a temporary fix, and escape from what he was feeling right now. Could it hurt? Who would know? Who needed to know? He was alone, he hurt and this would fix that ache.

He walked over now to the cupboard opening it up. This wasn't the end of the world, he told himself as he pulled a glass down from the shelve setting it on the counter in front of him. There tucked away out of sight was another solution to the problems that had been plaguing him. He hadn't noticed it, for weeks he'd been eating out of take out containers so he'd never really looked inside Abby's kitchen cabinet. It didn't make sense that it was there but it was there nonetheless. Against his better judgment Carter gave into the temptations that were before him, forgetting for a little while everything that had been wrong with his life and the mess that it had become. Taking a step forward closer to the edge that he was about to fall over. One night of relief started him on a path that would lead towards the ultimate darkness if he was not careful.


	20. How Far Down

**Chapter 20: How far down**

Darkness has many depths and the true bottom was a lot farther down than one would ever expect it to be. Bottom was bottom no matter how you looked at it, the only thing that ever differed was how long it took to reach that bottom. For some all it took was one wrong step and there it was the chasm would open up and suck them in. Other times it took years of tempting the fates for that chasm to open up and for that bottom to come flying up at you.

Fear itself comes from many different places and for Carter, fear was an actually something that he was scared of happening to him, but more of letting others down. He didn't feel physical fear what he felt was more emotional than any other kind. It was one that reached deep inside and twisted your gut, made you heart ache. It only served to make the emotional pain that he was feeling run that much more deeper, seem more real and for all intense purposes made him hurt even more.

The thought of addiction, being an addict once again, didn't cross his mind. Those were things that he could control, or thought that he could control. For he had managed to keep it under control for so long. The cravings, the wanting and needing subsided inside him and he had it in a place where he thought that it would never surface again. Here he was standing in a darkened kitchen with one hand around a bottle of booze and the other hand almost reverently cradling a prescription bottle.

What would anyone say if they found out about this? He'd be finished that's for sure. There would be no second plane ride to Atlanta, no second chances. The excuses that he would use were no more real than the ones that he had the first go around. Granted then it was because he had been stabbed and lost his medical student. The more he thought about it the more that his hand began to shake and he could feel the sweat building up on his palms.

He ran his hand through his hair as he wrestled with the inner demons. The ones that had been so silent for so long yet now here they were screaming at the top of their lungs inside his head. He just wanted them to be silent, how long he didn't know. He knew he wasn't crazy nor was he insane, this was the battle that he had been fighting for so long, never once had he ever been alone in it, now it felt as if he was.

He could see a photograph of him and Abby together, both smiling, from a time that seemed an eternity ago. If he listened to those demons, doing what they were telling him, he'd be letting Paul win. If he didn't listen to them, then he would have to sit there and feel the ache that was in his empty heart. Numbness and escape was what he wanted but as of right now, he hadn't been willing to go there. His resolve was failing with each passing tick of the clock. Each tick also let him know that one more second had passed that he hadn't fallen from grace.

He closed his eyes and thought about everything trying his hardest to silence the howling in his brain. He left the bottles sitting on the table in front of him as he began pacing slowly at first back and forth, weighing everything in his weary mind. The black and white blurring into various shades of grey. More and more things became greyer and the path that he should be on became less clear. Nervously he wrung his hands as he paced back and forth his eyes never leaving those bottles. Wanting and needing some peace but the though of actually walking out those doors right now and going to the one place where he should be, he just couldn't stop the pacing long enough to get to the door.

Oh what he wouldn't give right now to have someone to talk to but then what would he say. There was no way to explain what was going through his head. No longer had he been going out with his friends for drinks or socializing after work and he had managed to blow Susan off more than once. If he mentioned this to anyone they would suspect the worst, he had nothing to fear in the way of reprimand from that though or did he? Once suspicion was raised he would be under constant scrutiny, probably forced again to attend meetings, have his every moved constantly monitored and watched. He didn't want to go through that again. The thought of what might happen was the only thing keeping him from doing it.

No Carter was the only thing that was keeping himself from doing it. He stopped in front of the table once more quietly picking up the bottle before walking back to the bedroom and stretching out on the bed. Thinking about it was not doing anything for him, it wasn't making him feel any better, what he needed right now was to feel better, no matter how long that reprieve might have been he needed it. He slowly twisted the top of the bottle. This wasn't going to put him back into that place where he had been. Right now he wasn't working; there was no way that he would be putting any patient in danger. He could very easily rationalize it in his head. People drank all the time at social gatherings, sporting events, with dinner, no this was not the greatest evil in the world.

He brought the bottle up, the cold liquid instantly felt like fire as it went down the back of his throat, searing at first was the pain and then all went numb. He brought his hand across his lips to wipe away what might have remained there after the bottle had been brought away. Just having one turned into two, which soon become half the bottle. At that point nothing seemed to matter anymore. The pain that might have been there when this started no longer there, his head was nothing more than foggy at best, the room slowly moving on its own free will. This was something that he hadn't felt in a long time, a peace had settled into his head, the demon's were no longer screaming at him, there was complete and total silence.

He sat there now, his head resting against the headboard and his eyes heavy from having become intoxicated by the contents of the bottle. They fluttered as he tried to keep them open leaning over he sat the now half empty bottle onto the night stand before falling over onto his side. His arms wrapping around the pillow that was there, sleep pulling him into it's firm and hard grasp. Yet tonight this sleep was not to be peaceful, it was not to be restful, there would be no contentment and feeling refreshed in the morning for John Carter. Tonight his soul would wrestle with those inner demons.

The room around him grew dark, the silence intensifying for a moment and then there was a voice, that chilling reminder of a past that he would soon like to forget but knew inside that he never would.

"So you thought you'd find peace in the bottom of the bottle."

Carter didn't answer that question he didn't want too and he knew he didn't have to. This had to be nothing more than a bad dream.

"Silence from you Carter won't make me go away. You can't get off that easy."

"What do you want?" Carter asked with an icy tone to his own voice, "haven't you tormented me enough, gotten what you wanted?"

"Oh no, I haven't gotten what I wanted rather far from it. Well I shouldn't say that you are playing with fire and might yet get burned."

"You really are crazy you know that?"

"No, not crazy. I never have been what you call crazy. Yes I was sick when I went after you and your med student. But I had a reason for doing that and I have reason now. You might never know that reason but I have a reason nonetheless."

"I don't give a damn about your reasons." That was the honest truth coming from Carter now.

"That I believe, but you won't be rid of me any time soon."

"You don't have any control over me." Carter snapped back now as he moved from where he was to be closer to the voice to try and show that the man had no control over him or his actions.

"Oh on the contrary I believe that I do. You see, fear leads to temptation and in your case that temptation will lead to your downfall. It's already started and it will spin so far out of control before you know it that there will be no going back dear doctor."

"What are you some kind of psychic now, that you can see the future? No I won't be falling like you think I will be, tonight was a one shot deal. I won't be going back to that place in my life again you can't make me." Carter said standing up straighter than he had been.

"I made you once and I can make you go there again if I so chose."

"No I made a mistake and I learned from it. I won't be making the same mistake twice; I won't let you have that much control over my life."

"That remains to be seen."

"No I have self control, will power, determination. I will not let a man like you take me down twice." Carter answered back.

"You are falling doctor Carter, cut off from the world around you; even you have your doubts about telling people that you are getting into trouble. You are too proud, to self reliant to rely on those who you once considered your friends again. After all, when you needed them, where are they, sitting alone in a dark room with nothing but the bottle for company. That doesn't say much about the company you keep."

"Shut up Sobriki."

"Did I touch a nerve?"

"Maybe in your dreams."

"Seems that I am in your dreams now Carter."

"Not by my choice." Carter answered back, "and don't make yourself comfortable cause you won't be coming back."

"Oh but I like being in your head, I can do so much more damage here than I ever could standing on the outside."

"This is nothing more than a dream, you won't win anything. I am not going to let you beat me."

"But I already have."

"I'm not the one rotting in a prison."

"No you're not in a prison at least not one with Wardens and guards but you are in a prison. You are trapped in a world that doesn't hold what you want in it anymore."

"Yes it does." Carter turned his back to the voice now. "And I am not going to listen to you. You are a figment of my imagination right now."

"No what I am is one of those demons that haunts you every day of your life. I will be here from now until the time that you find any thing that resembles peace. It's not as simple as you would like you can't close your eyes and have me gone. I will always be there, somewhere in the back of your mind. Pushing you closer to the edge, you will never be free of me, you can't be. I made sure of that when I stuck you the first time."

Carter crossed his arms over his chest. "I am not going to give in."

"The loneliness is starting to get to you." He said, "the silence of the night, the darkness, it's more than you can bare at times. You will have to face the night ever day, it won't change. And when darkness falls there I will be."

Carter didn't say anything.

"You are the strong silent stoic kind. That's a shame, it's going to be your downfall, your strength will falter and your silence will be your death."

"Only you would know that." Carter said, "no I will prove you wrong. I will get back on track; I will regain my life again. I will not be beating by the likes of you."

"That will remain to be seen." He said, "my money is that you will fall before Abby comes home, that you will be nothing more than either a drunk or a druggie possible both before the next full moon."

"Big words from a dead man."

"The same could be said about you Carter. You won't see your next birthday."

"Empty threats."

"We shall see."

And with that the silence returned and Carter drifted into a drunken sleep. Those words reverberating in his head the rest of the night. After his last run in with Paul could he keep those things from coming true or would he be proven right. It was all up to what happened next to determine what was to become of John Carter.


	21. Darkness Falls

**Chapter 21: Darkness Falls  
**

Darkness was never and easy time for anyone. When the sun set it seemed as if that was the worlds way of opening up the tunnel for evil to emerge from it's hiding place. Lurking in the shadows were your worst fears. Daytime, when everything was bright there were not nearly as many places for it to hide, yet when the sun went down terror appeared.

It was no different for Abby. During the day was much easier, it was easier for her to face her fears to confront them, for there was no place for them to hide, there were no dark shadows where fear could surprise her and jump out at her.

She sat now huddled in the corner of her room, her knees hugged tightly against her chest. She had always been so strong, yet that strength had long abandoned her. She was doing so well at conquering her fear during the day, yet it was night that she was having the hardest time with. When everyone else was gone, or sleeping she was awake. Sleep had not yet returned for her. She had no normal schedule like other people she knew, going to bed and awaking the next morning, no she felt far, far from being able to achieve that.

She was reluctant to tell anyone about that either, fear of being told that she'd never be able to leave the confines of the hospital, which was beginning to almost feel like a prison to her now that she had been there for so long. She longed to be outside and feel the sunshine touching her skin, to feel the fresh air, or the breeze that blew in the windy city. She was more than ready to face the day… but that was the catch. Ready to face what lied before her during the day, never once mentioning the night.

Those who worked with her would ask her how she slept and her response was always the same, just fine, or okay, never that it had been a long night or that she had spent hours trying to take herself to that happy place they all urged her to think of when she would get overwhelmed or feel panicked. Panic attacks during the day were less than they had been when she had first emerged from the place she had gone to escape, that is during the day. At night it was different for she suffered them constantly, always wondering who might come jumping out from behind the darkened shadows that danced behind her door. She would get up from the bed several time to make sure that she was truly alone in her room, not trusting herself and no matter how hard she tried too, she couldn't trust those who promised to keep her safe from harm.

Part of her knew though that Paul wasn't going to be coming back to get her, to hurt her again. No one had kept the papers or the television away from her, she was free to read and watch, yet there was no reassure at all in that after what had happened earlier. When Paul attacked Carter they assumed that he would be kept under tight watch and yet with his manic tendencies he had managed to strike out again. Not violent was what they had been told, well he proved them all wrong, he was definitely violent and it was his violence that had shattered her once peaceful existence.

She started to rock back and forth now as the hours slowly passed. She had this feeling that something wasn't right with things outside the hospital. Carter had seemed somehow different when he had visited her. Normal he was very talkative, telling her about everything that had been going on but tonight he had been more withdrawn and quiet making her do most of the talking between them and it struck her not so much as odd, but more of as if that was his way of telling her that something wasn't right with him, but how could she help him when she couldn't even manage to help herself.

She could have told Susan, or rather could tell Susan when she came to visit. She really didn't have anything other than one night of odd behavior to base it off though. It wasn't like she got to spend tons of time with Carter, not while she was in here. She wanted to be out of this place but at the same time the thought of facing the outside world, especially at night horrified her to the point where this prison that she felt like she was in was a much better alternative.

Chalk it all up to paranoia of the umpteenth degree. Nothing would ever be right as long as she was here. No, that wasn't completely true and she knew she needed to be truthful to at least herself if to no one else. If she didn't lie to herself it might not be as bad as she thought it could be. If Abby knew anything it was that she was going to have to tell someone about this, about these feeling be it one of the doctors or therapists that she saw on a daily basis. Not in group… no this was something that you definitely didn't share in group therapy. But Abby never did share much in group anyway. She shared when it seemed fit to share otherwise for the most part she kept to herself. She didn't hate therapy it wasn't that, more like she didn't like to share the fact that she had been nothing more than a victim of something violent and that it had made her a weak individual. Stripping her of much more than pride.

Paul could have done so much more to him that what he had done. She could be a lot worse off that what had happened. She could have been dead, not that death would have been such a terrible thing, and she wouldn't admit to anyone, ever, that she had thought about taking that giant leap if given the chance. Yet there was one thing that kept her from making her thoughts a reality and that was Carter. No matter how bad things got for her, how far down she might have managed to sink, she couldn't do that to him. As long as she had Carter she would fight for life, or something that resembled life.

She closed her eyes again, this time thoughts of Carter filled her mind and she thought about reaching for the phone and calling him, all the times that he had called her at 2 or three in the morning. It was just now a little after midnight, maybe calling him wasn't that insane of an idea and maybe the calming sound of his voice would help her to get to sleep. She hadn't called him since she had been in here, usually their daily conversations were enough to get her through the night, tonight she needed something more, another form of security, and he was her rock that much she knew.

She picked up the phone holding on to it. She stared at the numbers that were on it. She hit the first few buttons and then something inside her made her put the phone down as if it had burned her hand. She sat there for a minute before picking it up again. Setting it back down as if she couldn't find it inside of her to actually call him. It was just a telephone and she wasn't sure just what she was afraid of. Perhaps it was of waking him up from his much needed sleep or finding that there was no one there to answer the phone. She just shook her head; it was almost as if she felt rather childish or embarrassed that she couldn't bring herself to dial a phone.

"Oh Abby." She said knowing that she was talking to herself right now, but there was no harm in that. "Just dial it, it's a phone, it's not going to bite you, he's not going to care if you are waking him up. You know that he's home and that he'll pick up."

It took her another 10 minutes before she was able to pick it up again. She was fighting a battle with her head over a telephone call. She slowly hit the numbers dialing her own phone number. She held her breath while she waited for it to ring. It seemed as if time stood still before she heard that first ring. Then there was a second, and a third. He wasn't picking up the phone. Maybe he was asleep and didn't hear it. There was always the chance too that he and Susan caught a late dinner. After it had rung for the fifth time, she heard the answering machine pick up.

"Hey John," Her voice was nothing more that a loud whisper if even that. "I was just calling cause I was having a hard time getting to sleep and well I thought that it might help to hear your voice." She wasn't sure why she had said that it just felt like the right thing at the time to say, "I guess you're sleeping so I will talk to you later."

Abby put the phone back on the bedside table and laid back in her curled up position on her bed. She knew that she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep now there was just to much going through her head now. Sleep never came when your mind was running a thousand miles an hour. The night wore on and she spent most of it just laying there thinking and wondering. Finally as the sun started to come up that morning the need for sleep finally over took her body and her eyes closed.


End file.
